This is kind of a corollary to MoonRisings post about failure.
I started off a few months ago full of the joys of spring, this is the way for me, a new life blah blah, and now I seem to have hit a brick wall.

It's very hard for me to practice any kind of ritual, or trancework etc., many sources suggest you should have someone with you to slap you about if you appear to be wurbling too much, or to come and get you if you appear to have gone off with the fairies permanently, but I haven't got anyone so I'm too scared to practice even the most basic meditation.
I also don't really have the space and time to do it. My husband strongly disapproves of the whole business so I don't feel comfortable doing it when he's in the house. And if I'm alone I've got BabyBadger to keep an eye and ear on, and while she is an exceptionally good child, it's not easy to relax into a ritual etc.

I'm trying hard to be more green and responsible, I recycle, I sent off some emails to politicians about vaious bits and bobs, I lent some money via Kiva, I pick up litter when I go out for walks, I talk to the plants I've just panted out, I talk to trees and the moon, I try to send healing thoughts to people I think might need it, all small sweet potatoes I know but a start. But I can't seem to get inside my own head and that's where I really need the strength to be able to do what I've got to do.


I don't think I'm any less enthusiastic about the idea of what I want to do, it's just that I'm scared to do it. What if it doesn't work? What if it does?!
Can't decide which of those is most scary. Like most people I've a pretty powerful mind when I make use of it, I've proved that to myself once or twice in the past, so maybe I'm scared of my own power? Or maybe I'm scared I don't really have any power at all.
Gaaah!
Badger's Moon
xx
Am I trying to rush things? Should I just kick back for a while and continue with the tree-hugging and politician-baiting?

Oh honey.

Dont worry so much. You have an entire lifetime to work on it. Sometimes in life, there is no time, and other things have take priority. Thats ok. I REALLY wouldnt let that worry you. Honest.

You need to enjoy your baby now, they dont be babbies for very long. As for your other half, well how you deal with him is down to you, but I think is already been covered in other posts no?

Ok, now to the actual practical bit of meditation. As a wise man once said.. "dont panic". If you are working on your own, all you need to do is set up a little protection a circle or some such, whichever you preferif you think that is going to make you feel better, but it isnt always needed. Meditation to that level takes aaaaages, you are not going to drop into a trance first time out, and you are not going to get absorbed by the bogey man. I have NEVER had anyone to ground me when meditating and Ive never had a problem, start slow and start small.

I had so much going on in my life at one point that for almost six months the only time I had for me was those few moments before I closed my eyes in bed at night. Everything else had to go to the wall.

I assume you take baby badger out for walks? Could you not go somewhere natural a wood, the beach, fields? There with your babby is as good a place as any to get in tune with yourself and whats around you. Pick things up, sticks, stones, leaves, flowers, feel the energy in them, try and tune into the feeling the day has.. learn the smells of the seasons, watch how babby reacts to the nature around young innocent eyes are a nice way to look at the world. Learn to understand the smells of weather theres so much you can do everyday.

You will learn far far more if you are out there getting to grips with things rather than sitting with your nose in a book. Think of it this way, better to understand the energies you are going to be working with in their natural environment than from dancing letters on a page. Energies are different depending on the weather, time of month, season and time.

Its not a race hon, your path leads to the very end, you've got all the time you need to walk it.

Well I was going to give a reply to this but having read Xalle's post all I am going to do is say "there is no need for me to reply" in other words I couldn't have put it better myself, no matter how many times I tried.

I agree with and echo every word of her reply.

I can understand where you are coming from. I feel like I'm making little progress myself. I'm finding I'm doing a lot of reading and thinking but next to no action. My children are 10, 8, 4 and 2 at the moment and I am up to my eyeballs with the very needy 2 year old especially and so much to do and the sleep deprivation, its hard to plan anything or make decisions. And the only time I am at home alone is when hubby takes the kids to church, but often I still like to go with them (so we can be together and also so I can keep an eye on what hubby is up to and whats being taught to him and to the kids and I get to visit the Verbeia altar). I can't do anything when they're at home because the 2 year old will search the house for me, and also my husband is very uncomfortable with it all, he's been really good about it but can't help being upset and freaked out.

I've done a couple of meditations when I've just gone to bed, but well lets say they went a bit weird, well the second one did anyway, so I'm not sure they went right (um if anyones every had an X rated meditation please LMK I'm not nuts! )

Other than that I try to go for walks on the moors on my own when I can. And taking time just to look around me, notice the nature even in my own street (and I'd never seen that ivy on the wall at the side of Tescos before!), smelling the air, trying to work out what weather is coming, that kind of thing.

Funny thing is I keep going out in my "nice" suede boots and ending up tramping around the moors in them- I keep thinking, shall I bother to put my docs on, nah I'm only going to Tescos/ to take kids to swimming lessons etc.... next minute I'm half way over the moors/ up to my ankles in mud in the woods/ trying to get a stone from the river without my feet going in etc.

WRT doing "green" stuff my husband is a major greenie at the moment, even runs a FOE group, so thats pretty much covered already. Apart from I've stopped going on about how I don't think we can afford all organic veg for 6! And now he has someone to share his interest in studying the little symbolds on plastic packaging that tell you whether its recyclable or not

At the moment I'm still very unsure about my path so there's only so much I can do anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading, I read for an hour every night while I am lying down getting my youngest to sleep, I've been reading books on witchcraft and not getting that excited so I'm thinking its not for me. I have one on druidry on order so that'll be interesting. My nickname at uni was "bookeater" so whatever I'm doing I'm reading and reading about it.

Something that helped was in the Higginbotham book I read where they talk about paganism being about "search" rather than arriving. Keeping in mind it is a lifelong journey and enjoying the voyage of discovery rather than wanting it all now.

But then I have this secret (or not so secret now ) fear that if I don't get in deep enough fast enough I'll be sucked back into Christianity and never escape!!

I think Scyld's recent reply on " A Silly Panic, More ex-Christian baggage I'm afraid" was one of the best on this subject I've read. She sums it all up very succinctly!
Aside from that, I also reckon a lot of your fears come from the sheer exhaustion of running the home/family. Been there, survived - JUST! So keep smiling, they do grow up eventually, usually in spite of us!
I agree you should accompany them all to the church too -far better to deal with the devil you know than one you don't!And they are your kids too - a factor often overlooked by fundies out to "save" wee souls. So stick to what your gut is telling you at all times. This in itself is part of walking your Path, even though you might not yet realise what Path you are setting out upon.
From what you say about meditation in bed, it sounds like you have been very tired? This in itself can affect how you interpret what happens. It can also tip you into a state of altered consciousness or "out of body" state. This can be frightening. Did you feel as if your body was starting to vibrate and that you were losing control? Or that you panicked? Or felt as if you were flung back into wakefulness? These are all phenomenon that can happen whenentering OB states. They are not actually that scary once you understand what is happening. I suggest you open a new thread to ask member about this, also that you look up various sites on it to see whatyou can learn for yourself.
I do NOT believe that OBEs (out of body experiences) can take you to the nether realms atc. I am here, large as life and twice as ugly, to prove otherwise, as I am sure are other UKPs.
On a much more practical level, keep up the walks and the nature discoveries. Learn about the flora/fauna of your area and its history, both pagan AND Christian. Both affect the place and the people living around you. Take a notebook and jot down whatever springs to mind. This is FAR more use than any "Book of Shadows"!
Keep notes about plants, insects etc as above. The action of deciding to find out about eg a type of weed will focus your mind, be enjoyable, and link you to your spot on the planet. The longer you do this, ythe more subtly you will grow with the land and the changing seasons. You will attune naturally to what is there for you.
An awful lot of emphasis is put on the right/wrong way to "do ritual" etc. Sometimes we need to take a step BACK to discover what is actually real and pertinent. Does this make sense?
Please, be less critical of your "abilities" and actions. We are onlu human, and you have a lot of practical day to day distractions to deal with. Feeling "guilty" will just take away your confidence, so try to ignore anyone who feels that whatyou are doing and how you are seeking is somehow "wrong". Read Scyld's post. It is NOT "wrong"! It is YOU living and exploring YOUR life!
Tasx

And I have begun the thread, as I think it's relevant to many.
It's called "OBEs & astral projection" and has two starter links. Hopefully it will generate replies!!!

It certainly does Tas - personally I don't physically draw a circle but I 'draw' it in my mind, so if you wish to practice discreetly B. and your powers of concentration are good I can't think of a better practical way to 'practice' your craft without upsetting too many people around you. (not knocking Xalle's approach - is just an alternative).

With regards to whats real and pertinent in Tas's email- getting out into the wild blue yonder is absolutely perfect for making contact with whats a very real, physical environment. If you get the chance try resting against a tree/lying on the ground/sit against a rock and just relax and see what you 'pick up' on - don't worry about getting carried off with the fairies your own sense of identity will pull you back out (Oh boy do I know that one!) I have been very deep into a meditative space and everytime I have come back (maybe a fair while but I did - so don't panic, reeelaaaxx!) I certainly felt I never needed somebody to pull me out (I wonder if what you have been reading has been twaddle making rather than information giving)

I get very cross with twaddle makers.

fizzy

Tas and Xalle have already written most of what I would have said (but, as Herne says, in a much better way!) but there is just one small point.

I don't know about others but, over the years, I've found there's some things I can do and some things I can't. Some of the things I can do, and really well, aren't in the books. I didn't even get there by talking to people either (mind, there weren't fora like this back in 1999). I got there, as far as I can recall, by attending to my own feelings and thoughts. Or what I thought might, in fact, be what I was being nudged to do. Sometimes I was, sometimes I wasn't. Doesn't matter. I never did anything I felt really uncomforatable doing (sometimes what I was asked to do presented a challenge, and that can be uncomfortable, but it's different to feeling, deep down, you don't want to do it).

There are things to this day I'm completely useless at. And I dread it when one of my oldest friends asks me to read tarot for her. She always asks and I always hate it, even when it comes out right, because I never trust my ability with the cards. I prefer runes but she prefers tarot. I either get tarot spot on or else am complete rubbish with it. Ho hum.

I can't do anything to do with love or wealth. (Just my luck, eh?)

There are weeks when I feel spiritually dead and then something will come out of the blue. At the moment I'm looking at my garden with despair and thinking how many plants I've managed to kill off through over pruning or under watering. I live in the heart of the country and haven't been out for a long walk for months (I tell a lie - we did try Hergest Ridge in January and got soaked).

It's OK to be wrong.
It's Ok not to know where you're going.
It's OK to be afraid.
It's OK to feel inept and uncertain.
It's OK to feel frustrated and incompetent.
It's OK to fail at things.

I tend to feel nothing I'm doing at the moment might be the same as what I'm doing in a year's time. What I do now isn't what I did two years ago. Who knows - maybe one day I'll ever read tarot and get into love...


....or maybe not.

Och, I know EXACTLY what is ailing ye pet! Ye are suffering from a bad dose of the NORMALS!

*nods* exellent point Moon. LOTS I cant do, am rubbish at or just dont like!

Really, really good point here moonhunter. What I 'do' isn't always in the books - its what makes my path 'mine'. Its not about 'making stuff up' either - its about following your path - what works for you works possibly because you've made a connection with nature in your way, in the way that you understand. I know that sounds unstructured, unguided (ie lacking in a human mentor) and maybe a little scary for some folks (me included sometimes), but I have found that in the end, I am a far more rounded person and I am more independent.

I guess thats may be an important thing here - when we read something in a book we take it as the 'truth' but I would argue for more discrimination - after all you are your own best judge and what we read isn't always right for 'us'. Books are not mentors and nor should they be.

fizzy

I feel that it isn't always necessary to actually perform a ritual in order to get a point across or magical act to work. In the very beginning I felt like you did; I had a tolerant husband, but four teens (when I started out they were; they are now adults) who thought I was a little "off my rocker" to use an old-fashioned term. They are much more openminded, each having their own "pet interest."

Now I could be anywhere, even on a transatlantic flight, and if I need to get something going, a magical act, or a principle to work, I just visualize everything in my mind and set the powers going. No need to be afraid of one's ability to over do or under do it ... the magical act is as powerful as you make it, as your intent and personal belief in it. No need to follow a specific precept or ritual; many acts are very individual and as such they work for the person performing them.

Johanna

ah, now - for me it helps to focus if I do something practical. Oh, I don't do the stuff in the books; I don't do circles, for one thing, though I like sound, smell and candle light. I make my own incense (dead easy: resin, essential oil, dried flowers and pop it all in a coffee grinder), and don't bother with the colour of candles unless it suits me (though I do ensure the candles are the same colour throughout, rather than the cheap habir of many candle makers of putting a colour coating over white wax). I'm just as fussy about sounds.

But, hey, this is just if I go ceremonial. The last few times I haven't bothered with this stuff, and none of it has anything to do with talking to my gods, which is what I mainly spend me time doing. However, if I do try magic I will always try to spend a while cleaning up the place. Hilariously, the last time someone asked me to do something for them, and I was told by my gods to take several hours doing it, as I was cleaning I was asking them precisely what I was supposed to do once I'd finished the cleaning? That's when I was told: the cleaning is the spell for this one.

Seven damned hours cleaning.

And you know the funny thing: the place was filthy again within a week. I've never seen that happen before. But then, I wasn't really cleaning it, was I? Or not for me; not my place.

Er..but the point, MH? What point are you making? Oh yes: just do what seems right to you, in whatever context.

Anyone seen a book that mentions vacuum cleaners, buckets and mops as tools of magic?...

Don't worry. Easier said than done, I know, but it's true. When the offspring were small between work and childcare I wenyt months at a time when I was too exhausted to do anything except get through the day and fall into bed every night. It often felt as though the only time I had to myself was when I was taking the kids for a walk or to the park. Oddly enough, after a while one goddess in particular started making contact then and it seemed to work quite well. I miss it now the offspring are much too old for walks in the park. Oh I can go on my own but it doesn't seem the same somehow. It's an awful cliche, but they are only young once and it's easy to wish it away.....

Do what you can and the rest will come when you're least expecting it. Hugging trees and harrassing politicians sounds OK to me

right with you there hon. I don't do much ceremonial stuff either - if I do its just to focus my mind (and it doesn't involve purchasing squillions of crap either).

fizzy

Actually, when you think about it, bringing children into the world, and bringing them up is, in itself - quite magical!
Whilst surviving parenthood with a modicum of marbles is totally miraculous!

Three cheers for all the mums and dads out there!

I'm with you there Tas! I never cease to wonder that we've made it through this far. There's some greater power at work there all right.

Thank you all for the replies, they've helped a lot.
Sometimes it's too easy to look for the end of the path, and lose sight of what's under your feet.
Patience has never been one of my strong points but I think it's time to learn some, and just take things as they come.
And have some faith in myself and my abilities and worth.
Badger's Moon
xx