Polyamory, not to be confused with Polygamy.

Having just started reading a book called "Rites of Pleasure" (which i'm sure some of you have read, or even heard of), it discusses the use of Sex in all kinds of rites and rituals. It also goes into types of relationships and worshipping of our bodies, and each others.

Can people really have "many loves" or is it something a bit far fetched?

Where do people on here lie with regards to it all?

my opinion is that i would only want one person to be sexualy and lovingly attached too and if i asked im sure my boyfriend now would like to try ritual sex even tho he is not pagan or occult minded.

to me it seems more special when you do it with someone your very close to and are in love with. i dont think you could be with more than one person. i think thats where it becomes more of a lust thing not that lusting is bad.

im not condeming polyamory im sure they have a different kind of relationship structure where there is love but its not for me it could be left over residue from xtianity i dont know.

but i do value and respect sex and sexual relationships in all its forms.

It's not for me. I know myself I am far too possessive and just not built for sharing in that respect. I love Vert too much to even contemplate sharing him, and I believe he feels the same way about me. We complete each other to the extent that there are no gaps requiring input from anyone else.

I know some people who have practised polyamory and it hasn't worked out. Jealousy always rears its head. If you have a couple who both practise polyamory, you can guarantee that someone in the four-some or whatever number it is, is eventually going to want more than they're currently getting.

Even in those polyamory relationships where everyone professes they're content with the situation, I would bet my house that one of them, if not more, isn't telling the truth and is either feeling bullied into accepting the situation to avoid losing someone they love, or is jealous of only being a part-time "on-the-side" lover.

Just to give the opposite view I know several groups who have had long and happy relationships with no more problems than a couple face. Yes there are challenges however there are benefits. if tow people argue they have to get someone from outside the relationship to mediate in a three way thers always a ref to help being balance.

I am open to it if myself and my partner found the right person but we don't look for it.

and I have never found anyone I click with to do ritual sex with so that remains a unknown for me.

Why would I look for other sexual partners when I have found what I already want?

I'm like Pomona, this is not for me at all, but I dont actually care if others feel the need.

As for the spiritual partnership. I personally feel that can only happen between two people who have genuine love, trust and friendship. So I wonder how much of this spiritual polyamory is just an excuse to shag anyone you fancy.

I dont need or want that, my Boggy is a good enough shag without me bothering to look elsewhere, thank you very much

In my opinion, there is a WORLD of difference between a shag and making love.

Regarding what one does sexually, and why one believes one is doing it: each to their own as far as I'm concerned. I suppose it all depends on the individual's personal standards.

I absolutely agree theres a world of difference Tas.

What I was saying was I wonder how many people use "spiritual polyamory" as an excuse just to shag who they like.

I personally dont give a flying damn what people do in their own homes, so long as it doesn't impact on me.

Unfortunately too many people who have an "open" relationship cannot get their heads around the fact some of us are fine the way we are, and then it can impact on me and mine

Been there thanks, and it wasn't funny and I lost my so called best friend in the process

Not always, there are different types of love, sometimes its complete, sometimes its the kind of love which only very very close friends can experience.

I'm sure it could work for some, but to me the point of committing to be with someone means not being with anyone else.

Yep but aint it great if you can get both with one partner

Actually I have no problem at all with people who have open relationships. Whatever rocks your boat and all that. What I DO have a problem with is it being given a fancy name and packaged to look like some wonderful spiritual experience.

Why cant people just be honest and say they like having sex with more than one person. Theres nowt wrong with that. I would even go so far as to say its entirely possible to have that kind of love for more than one person and thats fine too.

Just dont tell me its a "wonderful experience which you can only appreciate by experiencing it"

This loosely translated means "I fancy you/your partner/both and I want a shag. The fact you wont comply means not only are you frigid but you arent as enlightened as me"

About right



I'd never go that far.

Heh. That sounds as though the speaker is trying to convince him/herself as much as anyone else.

I don't have a problem with polyamory. I've tried it and, on that occasion, it didn't work out. That doesn't rule it out for me in the future, but I do tend to be careful about sexual partners. And I've also had a shag on the side - which I'd not dress up as polyamory.

The thing that prevents me taking the offers that come my way is the potential for physical and emotional ill health i.e. I don't want to end up visiting a sexual health clinic and I hate the fallout when a relationship fails - whoever gets hurt. And I'd never, ever, want to risk harm where there are dependent children.

hold on a second I think theres a big difference between a poly relationship and love (more than just sex please) than people who just want to shag around.

true love between people does not in my view have to be restricted to just the love between two people. I have seen loving and strong relationships of three people who love and cheerish each over.

Thats not to say that some people don't talk poly when they just want a shag!

The important thing as in any relationship is honesty, love, and trust with out those there can be no relationship either tempory or long lasting.

There are many differing levels/qualities of Love. Love is never a black and white cut an dried issue. It is as amazingly complex and unique to each person feeling it as is their DNA.

I see no problem at all with being in Love (to whatever degree) with more then one person. Infact everybody is to one degree or another. Yes there will always be those few out there that just use it as an excuse to sleep around and never commit themselves, however there are also those for whom it is simply the natural state of being.

Society does not agree with this particular issue in a general sense. It has been ingrained over many years that it is in some way taboo, slutty even. If you can get absolutely everything you want from life with only one person that you Love with everything that you are, then fair play too you. However (and this is only my opinion) I do not believe that anyone can truly single handedly give you everything that you want from life.

I'm with you on that one, Eth.

True polyamory should be open all round. The ideal is that all partners are in sexual relationship with each other, and there are no secrets. However, there are alternative models, where, for example, one partner is in a sexual relationship with two others who are not in a sexual relationship with each other. And you can multiply that out for the number of partners in the relationship.

Limited polyamory comes about when one of those in the polyamorous relationship is having an affair i.e. s/he has a one-to-one relationship with a partner who is kept in the dark about other relationships. That#s the stuff I find too fraught, emotionally.

But, back to Eth's point: we all make accommodations for the relationships we're in. I just happen to think that no one person can satisfy all the needs of another. And that the insistence that it should be so is the result of Christian conditioning.

This is not to denigrate in any way the happiness and emotional fit most people find in a two person relationship. I'd always say - if it works for you, go for it!

Ehhhhhhh you know I wasn't meaning you, you daft bugger

Hate to be the harbinger of bad news and all that but I've been happily satisfied with my one for over 20 years now

Look in seriousness, I do understand peoples points, but it has been my experience that polyamory is simply an excuse not to be loyal to one person.

I know I'm sounding like an old fart, but what precisely is wrong with actually being so in love with the person you are with, not to even contemplate sexual relations with another.

Whatsmore anyone and I mean anyone who went anywhere near my Boggy would end up needing a new face. Either that or I would simply hand them their head

Which is fine Comfrey and congrats and good luck to you both for the future. However Polyamory isnt just about physical Love so could we please stop harping on about sex.

Single handedly... no, you are probably right on that. It takes a couple to get what they need together. Going through life expecting your one partner to give you everything you need depends on so much. Probably far more than most are willing to put in themselves. Expectation, or rather unreasonable expectation is the cause of so many relationship breakdowns.

I dont see problems with people growing appart, it happens, but I also have to say that I dont know anyone under 30 who REALLY knows either themself or what they want from life and that makes it hard on relationships.

As for Polyamory... its not for me. Im too jealous a person, I do not like the idea of sharing my other half, because that is what he is to me.. my other half, a part of me. I can kinda understand people feeling that this is an option for them, kinda... but not completely... but it is definately not for me.

I'm not au fait with the ways to do quotes - so just let me say, Hog, Eth, & Xalle - totally agree.

It's a shame that you've encountered people like that. The philosophy of polyamory is that no one does anything behind anyone's back and all assent. Everything is meant to be done with honesty and agreement. If that's so, I don't see how 'disloyalty' can come into it.

Yes, I realise that some people might badger their partner into agreement, but that's as divorced from the purpose of polyamory as it is from the purpose of any one to one relationship.



Nothing whatsoever. The great majority of people would agree with you, IME. But is it what this thread's about?



Now I'd get really worried with myself if I felt something like that. I don't feel I own my partner, and I don't feel I have a right to dictate to him what he does with his time/affections/body etc, so long as it doesn't endanger me. I prefer to have his love as a free gift. I certainly can't command that he loves me, and wouldn't want to. If I have a problem with another relationship he has, we discuss it.

The problem is, so many so called polyamorists make it all about sex. There is a fine line between polyamory and swinging, and even the 'polyamorists' need to be aware of that. My ex boyfriend called himself a polyamorist - it just meant that he could justify shagging 3 women at once without being chastised, which is what one of us should have done. In the end I left him because he was lying to me. I sometimes read posts on a Polyamory community and, believe me, there are some people who are basically swinging, but calling it polyamory to be more acceptable.

I have nothing against swinging or polyamory, but people need to be absolutely clear as to which one they are doing. Also, others need to be a tad more tolerant of people who do not fit into the 'hetero monogamous relationship' mindset that is still prevalent even in the 21st Century. If I choose to have several lovers instead of one partner, that doesn't automatically make me a slut who is dying to bed your husband/wife/significant other. It may come as a surprise to some people, but not being monogamous does not necessarily equal 'undiscerning'.

So why do polyamorists MAKE it all about sex?


Now see this is a mistake you are making. I dont feel as if I own him, nor do I dictate to him and believe me his love is a gift.

But when we met we made a commitment to each other and that commitment was one of total trust and fidelity. We didnt enter into a polyamoric relationship to begin with so the "rules" you have dont apply and believe me he feels the same way.

I'm honestly not being unkind and those who know me will tell you I'm perfectly open minded, but I have not only seen these discussions over and over again online, but I have also witnessed them being used as a "way in" in order to alter peoples perceptions of what constitutes a REAL relationsnhip, but also as a means to (for the want of a better word) groom others.

Which is precisely the point I have been trying to make


Believe it or not I dont have a problem with either swinging or polyamoury either and I agree there should be tolerence on both sides. However my experience tells me that Polyamoury is often used as an excuse to aggressively go after peoples partners.


I absolutely agree love. Its like people assuming because you're gay you will just go after anything. Its wrong and I would defend anyones rights to live the way they chose.

But I do find it rather telling that the majority who enter into these types of relationships very rarely go on to become long term partners, unless they stop.

Jealously always ends up rearing its head. Its human nature.

I'm not saying it never happens, but human kind is monogamous for a reason and I dont think that has anything to do with religion or outdated morality.

But there are notable examples of polyamorous groups who have been together for a very long time. I think when it works out then it tends to stay that way. There are people who find it easy to live like that. I am not one of them, but kudos to those who are.


I don't agree. The standard response to this is that females go for the strongest/best male as that would ensure the best sperm. Males have as many females as possible to ensure widespread guarantees of progeny. I believe that it is certainly custom that has expected us to become monogamous. There are very many polygamous tribes (matriarchal and patriarchal) so should we assume they are un-natural? No, I believe it is custom, religion and outdated morality that has made us believe that there can only be one partner each. It is custom that has been around for 1000s of years, and it doesn't mean i think it is wrong to do so, but it is wrong to say 'well that's how it should be', because then how do you explain the people for whom it is not the case?

Actually you have a REALLY good point to make here, so perhaps it is conditioning I dont know.

But in nature some are monogamous and others arent. Perhaps thats the same for humans and because we have (in the west) been "conditioned" this way for millenia, then it has become a part of our makeup

But as I said, I actually dont judge anyone for the way they live their life but I've noted a rather unpleasant trend of late which almost seems to judge those of us who ARE monogamous as somehow lacking in spritual and sexual maturity or only capable of loving one person.

Believe me the wind is changing and its no longer the likes of me sticking their nose up at people who chose to have multiple partners. Its those who are in these sorts of relationships who sneer (with often mocking tone) at me.

PS something else I forgot to say. When talking about polygamous tribes, who live happily that way, then surely we arent talking about polyamoury.

The original poster said

So whats the difference ?

edit,
I've just realised I've been spelling it wrong the whole time. Memo to self, its polyamory not polymoury

Good point. I think I may have got carried away there. The tribes I have heard of were more likely polygamous, not polyamorous. Only us rich whiteys in the West have the time and money to afford the luxury of multiple lovers. Most of those tribes do it for the convenience. And Hugh Hefner does it for the blondes.



I assure you I only mock those who mock me. For a so called 'tolerant' religion, there are a great many pagans who would have me wear a scarlet A on my clothes because I happen to have a couple of FWBs. I find it odd that, of all the tenets of christianity that pagans eschew, they have decided to keep the monogamy one, but each to their own.

Basically, if you have a found a good un, keep them and try not to mess it up. If (like me) you realise that there is no way you are going to have a long term partner again, but will miss the sex, then get a FWB or 2, several boxes of condoms and have fun!

Now see THAT I understand

Its actually not far from what my lovely daughter practises LOL

I agree. Many (maybe even most) Pagans arent in the slightest bit tolerant and I find it disgusting that people feel they can judge another simply by the amount of sexual partners they have.

But as I said I've noticed a trend the other way as well and I've been finding people looking at me as if I'm stuck in some kind of time warp because I dont chose to do the same. As I said earlier.

I'd still like someone though to explain the difference between having a sexually satisfying relationship with more than one person and polyamory?

I understand it has love involved all round, but why is this different to just having an open relationship or having so called love affairs within a marriage. All supposing there is no deception that is.

That's fair enough. Each relationships makes its own 'rules' and the only time it gets bad is if one partner changes the 'rules' without agreement to suit themselves and then tries to blame the other for the resulting fallout.



Ah, well, in my book, that's wrong. Excepting those out to deliberately hurt or deceive, people are entitled to their own preferences.




I'm with WW here. And I don't count polygamy as 'other'. Yes, it may be that polygamy suits a particular culture for economic or other reasons, but if we were hardwired for monogamy, then it wouldn't exist at all. That means it has to be social conditioning.

In the West, possibly down to being able to afford it, we have tended to increasingly opt for what might either be termed serial monogamy or hidden polygamy. I've lost count of the number of 'faithful' husbands who have made me an offer over the years, plus at least one faithful wife, or of my friends who have taken lovers - sometimes without any noticeable disruption to their long term marriages, sometimes with the effect of leaving one partner for another.

But human beings have such a variety of sexual preferences I dislike making assumptions about anyone's tastes any more. We don't seem to be hardwired for much when it comes to sex - not even, for everyone, experiencing it.



I'm sorry to hear that. I have obviously been lucky in that I've never seen or heard anyone do that.



Technically, the difference is marriage. "Gamy" is from a Greek work meaning marriage, so polygamy is having several spouses. Polyamory does not necessarily imply any of the partners are married to each other.

Polygamy is being married to more than one person.
Polyamory is loving more than one person.

So polygamy and polyamory are to all intents and purpose the same? Thanks for clearing that up because that makes far more sense, but the original poster confused me ............. its not hard

I do find it interesting that its seems acceptable,almost, to "cheat" on someone or become a serial monogamist than be polygamous I must admit.

And whilst I might find it hard to understand this type of "sharing" I understand that you also seem to believe people incapable (or almost) of real lifetime monogamy. Or at least thats the feeling I get when you talked of "faithful" husbands and wives.

You know it does exist and whilst no one can be 100 per cent sure their partner is faithful I believe it is possible.

The problems start when folks obsess about the possibility of infidelity. My husband is ex Army and was in for the full 22 years. Under those circumstances, you either trust or you dont and its the donts who create difficulties for themselves.

ALL relationships need trust.

You know there is something else which is picking at me too. There seems to be an assumption that because you have remained "faithful" that you also havent been approached or tempted. Again that simply isnt rue either.

Trust me I've had both (back in my young and nubile days LOL) but its what you chose to do with that which matters.

So is polyamory an excuse simply not to be restrained ? Should we as humans BE restrained.

My personal belief is not necessarily, but I also wonder if polyamory exists for those people who cannot find "the" one.

LOL I understand that now.

You know of course we can love more than one person. But can we be IN love with more than one?

But either way, does the fact we love someone other than our partner mean we need to have sex with them. I'm sorry if I'm harping on about sex, but surely thats what makes polyamory different from cerebral love ?

Polyamoury is being in Love with multiple people as has already been said. This does not in any way require a physical relationship.

Love is also just Love, it has degrees and a gradient like all other emotions we experience. But Its all Love. You say IN Love my question there is what the heck does that mean? Either you love someone or you dont? I have been head over heels in Love with someone who is not my partner for many years, all the usual symptoms, world lights up when they smile, hate to see them hurting etc.. But we have never and will never get physical. It doesnt change the fact that I Love them.

Yes love is love but I feel that being IN love is very different, but its also very hard to explain.

But to try. I love my kids, but I'm not IN love with them. Same could be said for some friends I have.

I also think that couples who have been together a long time can fall in and out of love many times, but the love itself remains.

As a matter of interest, I would find the fact that my partner was in love with someone else even without the physical act incredibly hurtful.

When you have that kind of love for someone then surely they are the one you want to be with. So if you are finding that outside your relationship then surely something must be fundamentally flawed?

I find it not in a bit hurtful in the slightest because I know about it, except it and respect it. I find nothing wrong with it. Just because someone is in love with me and in a relationship with me doesn't mean I can't stop my partner loving someone else. To take that kind of thing away would not be a full, open, trustworthy relationship (in my opinion).

There is nothing in our relationship which is flawed and, to be brutely honest, I find it hurtful for someone to think that.

Quote Comfrey
As a matter of interest, I would find the fact that my partner was in love with someone else even without the physical act incredibly hurtful.

When you have that kind of love for someone then surely they are the one you want to be with. So if you are finding that outside your relationship then surely something must be fundamentally flawed?
Quote Comfrey

This is tantamount to saying that your partner only ever thinks of you, in the sense of you would be hurt if they felt love for another. Well I guess you must be hurting a hell of a lot, because unless your partner is a robot they will consider others in the ways you have previously mentioned.

As to the Love for someone that makes you want to be with them, yes it does thats part of what loving someone is about. But to suggest that there is a fundamental flaw in someones relationship just because they are capable of loving more than one person is quite frankly a very offensive statement.

My relationship with my partner is no more flawed than any other relationship. It isnt perfect, because such a state does not exist. But it does work and it makes us both very happy.

I do not consider placing limitations on a person to be Loving them, nor do I consider expecting them to only ever consider me whether in a physical or mental sense, or being hurt by such thoughts to show love. Infact that standpoint is nothing short of Obsession which is so far removed from Love as to be a different thing entirely.

A Pagan Polyamory Page
http://www.neopagan.net/PaganPolyamory.html

Polyamory as a Responsible Lifestyle
http://www.neopagan.net/Responsible-Polyamory.html

Essays/opinions from Isaac Bonewits.

Thank you Tas some very interesting reading and some good points made there too

That's a terribly judgmental, assumptive and offensive thing to say, in my opinion.

My take on this comes from my personal experience, so its my view and whilst I know people will disagree with me, its totally irrelevent if they do

It is absolutely possible to love more than one person. But I feel there is a difference between loving someone and being 'in love' with someone. But it is also possible to be 'in love' with more than person - I know because I have done it.

However - it is absolutely possible to get everything you need from a relationship with just one person, if they are your best friend as well as your lover.

And for people lucky enought o find that - then they have the ideal, dont they ?

For myself, the only time I have been drawn to another person whilst still in a relationship, it was because there was a flaw in that relationship that caused me to not just look and wonder but actually act on the impulses. The times when I have been happy and satisfied with who I was with, looking for, having sex with, or loving another person above or alongside him just didnt enter my head. So I have to say that I think that if you do seek sex or love outside of a devoted relationship, then its because on some level, somewhere and somehow, that devoted relationship just isnt doing what you need it to - whether you realise it consciously or not.

The FWB option is a good one, I think - because its on that basis, and the level of love as friends is sufficient for that relationship - but once the 'in love' bit happens (if it does) then that changes things, and thats the danger.

As someone I know said about a FWB situation when he was in love with one of the people involved, the 'other party' was having all the good bits but not having the balls to also take on all the bad bits of being with someone. And in a way, he was right, because he was IN love and saw it from the viewpoint of someone who was in the FWB situation but who was prepared to give more. The other party also loved the woman he was in love with, but didnt have the same level of feeling. So for him and the woman it was fine as it was - for them.

Cor, that was complicated to explain but I think it helps illustrates the point about the differences between love and being in love.

But I know for sure that if I ever get to have the kind of relationship that I know Comfrey and Boggy have, then I will indeed be a very lucky Moongazer. Why look elsewhere if you have everything you need and want right under your nose ? And that too, is human nature.

this is precisely what I am getting at. Just because YOU think its ok does not make ME wrong.

I wish Boggy was here because if he was he would tell you he rushes home from work to be with me and spends all his spare time with me because thats what HE want to do.

So no I dont hurt at all because I know he puts me first just as I put him first. Its what you do when you love someone.


I didnt say that because a person is capable of loving more than one person makes it flawed. Or at least that isnt what I meant.

What I meant was IF you love someone to that degree then surely you would want to be with them whenever possible and if you dont, then you have to look at why

I love a lot of people, but if it were a choice with being with them and spending time with them, or being with my partner. My partner would win every time because he is the person I am in love with and who is also my best friend.

If I wanted to spend time with someone else to that degree, then yes I would wonder what was flawed in my own relatonship.

Good, but dont make others feel they are somehow lacking because they happen to feel that true romantic love happens magically when two people who feel that way for each other get together.

If I found that feeling for someone else I would be one messed up puppy




Rubbish. It isnt placing limitations on them if thats where they want to be

Perhaps I find the fact you do not find everything you need, physically, spiritually and emotionally from a partner equally unnerving. Actually I find it rather sad, but thats just me

But to say its obsessive is ludicrous. People who completely love each other cant be obsessive because they are totally and completely secure.

Ah the wonderful Isaac Bonewits, the one and only person to get a degree in Witchcraft out of an American university.

You just got to love him

I dont get everything I need in the categories listed from apartner because I am an individual. I do not require someone else to give me what I need.

I wasnt aware that I was making people feel as though they were lacking by being in a two person solid relationship, I certainly do not feel as if that was how I have come across over all throughout the thread.

But it seems on this topic (not surprising given its nature) we will just have to agree to disagree.

Look as I was trying to explain I am not judging anyone and if it works for you and Sethandra then great.

What I was trying to say was its actually polyamorous people who give it a bad name. It isnt me you should be arguing with, its them

I would like to tell you I have been lucky, that I have indeed landed on my feet and that I have found everything in one man

But luck doesn't enter into it (at least not completely). To get a relationship like the one I am happy to enjoy takes just as much work, intelligence and commitment as any polymoric relationship.

It too is based on absolute trust and absolute honesty.

In fact the only difference is that in my relationship there is myself and my Partner who have managed to find what we want in each other and you and your lady who have no problem having other people in your relationship, find that works well for you.

The actual fundamentals remain the same.

But just as people dont believe a monogamous relationship can work because SO many dont does not make it a wrong or impossible.

If people are to take polyamory really seriously (and I believe they should) then just as I get pissed off with folks being holier than thou in their relationship and then shagging everything that moves, then you should take to task those who use polyamory as an excuse to do the same.

We actually are on the same side here !

[quote=Comfrey,Jul 14 2008, 12:53 PM]
So polygamy and polyamory are to all intents and purpose the same? Thanks for clearing that up because that makes far more sense, but the original poster confused me ............. its not hard
[/quote]

Heh. The same so long as it's voluntary.
Having watched a programme on polygamy (technically polyandry, as one woman marries a man and his brothers) in Tibet, the arranged marriage system does seem harsh. But it seems harsh to me when it involves monogamy, if it doesn't work out and there's no escape for the partners.

[quote]
I do find it interesting that its seems acceptable,almost, to "cheat" on someone or become a serial monogamist than be polygamous I must admit.
[/quote]

It seems to be part of our society. I guess it's so much easier to lie and avoid facing the music than to tell the truth. Especially as so many people want (to put it bluntly) to have their cake and eat it. I'm really thinking more of serial adultery there. I'm not so sure where someone has fallen in love and doesn't want to lose their family, and works hard to ensure they give quality time to the family and the love affair simply has to fit in around the edges. Yeah, personally I don't like the deceit, but I'm no longer as sure as I was when I was younger that it's 100% wrong, in the sense that, if owning up will destroy the family, and being found out will destroy the family, but managing to juggle things doesn't... I just don't know anymore. The one exemplary case I knew involved three adults for years. (Yes, two of the adults had a young - then not so young, then university age, child). The illicit lovers absorbed their own pain and didn't let it spill out into their families.

I don't think I'm in a position to pass judgement on such situations.

[quote]
And whilst I might find it hard to understand this type of "sharing" I understand that you also seem to believe people incapable (or almost) of real lifetime monogamy. Or at least thats the feeling I get when you talked of "faithful" husbands and wives.
[/quote]

No, not at all. Many people are happy in their relationships with one partner. Some, unfortunately, may be deceived in thinking their partner is as faithful as they, others will not be. Some may not care, or not want to know, so long as the relationship they have continues.

[quote]
You know it does exist and whilst no one can be 100 per cent sure their partner is faithful I believe it is possible.
[/quote]

So do it. As I said, I believe in many sexualities along the human scale.

[quote]
The problems start when folks obsess about the possibility of infidelity. My husband is ex Army and was in for the full 22 years. Under those circumstances, you either trust or you dont and its the donts who create difficulties for themselves.
[/quote]

IMHE, jealousy always creates problems, whether founded or not.

[quote]
ALL relationships need trust.
[/quote]

I wholeheartedly agree.

[quote]
You know there is something else which is picking at me too. There seems to be an assumption that because you have remained "faithful" that you also havent been approached or tempted. Again that simply isnt rue either.
[/quote]

I would agree with that, as well. I do not make such assumptions. Others may.

[quote]
Trust me I've had both (back in my young and nubile days LOL) but its what you chose to do with that which matters.
[/quote]

Absolutely. As I have said, though I have an open relationship, it does not mean I choose to take every offer that comes my way. In fact, hardly ever. And I did once proposition a colleague who turned me down, because he said he did not wish to put his marriage at risk. Now, that may mean he wished to be faithful to the agreement with his wife, or it may mean he felt the risk was too great, or it may mean he didn't fancy me. I wasn't worried, whatever it meant; we have remained good friends and we trust each other.

[quote]
So is polyamory an excuse simply not to be restrained ?
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I can't speak for others. For me; no: I may not practice complete restraint, but that doesn't mean I am willing to shag anyone who wishes to make the offer, even if I'd like to go to bed with them. It also means I don't necessarily seek a long term relationship - but that's the dividing line between an open relationship and polyamory.

[quote]
Should we as humans BE restrained.
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I'd say yes. But each person may interpret for themselves what 'being restrained' means in the context of their own relationship(s).

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My personal belief is not necessarily, but I also wonder if polyamory exists for those people who cannot find "the" one.

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I have no idea. My own experience (and that of others I have known - some of whom have been in one single relationship for decades) is that there isn't necessarily one single 'the one' for any of us; in the end, it's what we make of the relationship. Additionally, some of us make mistakes, or change as we grow older, while our partner does not. As I say, I'm unwilling to make rules for others. That may make life more complicated, in the sense of negotiating every individual relationship one has, but, again, IME life is complicated, and so are relationships.

I will add that I admire those who manage to spend all their lives in one relationship, where two people, between them, are both willing to work equally at it. My parents were married for 50 years, and were each faithful to the other. Their marriage was only brought to an end by the death of one of them. It wasn't easy for either of them, though, from my own observation, the load was unequal. I am not willing to put up with that sort of inequality.

Having said that, for 20 years of my life I only had two relationships: one for 13 years and one for 7. It's not exactly a decent track record for anyone whose success might be judged in terms of how many people s/he shagged.

Couldnt agree more.

I'm quite certain that many very good monogamous relationships can suffer a momentary glik somewhere. Or as you say when one falls in love with another and has no desire to break up their family.

My personal hate is the well meaning "friend" who feels it important to "tell". Who the hells business is it!

No I think there are many cases where confession is not good for the soul



LOL. Is that a bad thing? I dont know. I havent exactly been around the block and two of mine I married.

Having had an unsuccessful 10 year marriage (14 years in all) I know what I dont want. We apparently had an open marriage but he must have forgotten to tell me

As an aside I also knew someone who repeatedly cheated on her husband. Not only did this happen in front of her child, but she also involved others knowingly in her deceit (myself included)

Then after my first marriage ended she had the audacity to boast about how she had remained married when most of her college friends had got divorced.

But not before she tried to get my present husband in the sack (I would have thought doing it to me the first time round would be sufficient)

So perhaps I do have rather a skewed idea of what constitutes an open relationship

I'm actually sorry if people think I have been judging them harshly, I honestly havent, but if you look at some of my earlier comments you might understand why I have said the things I have.

Just as I dont actually believe someone is immoral for having a polyamorous relationship, neither do I think they should infer I am somehow lacking personal freedom or sexual and emotional maturity because I dont.

Polyamory fascinates me, as someone in a committed monogamous relationship for the past 14 years. I wonder how it works.

I like others don't know how I'd feel about 'sharing' my partner with others. I've often wondered if that makes those who engage in polyamory, less possessive and less inclined to jealousy? Are they possibly bigger more generous spirits? I don’t know the answer to that one, but I’ve pondered it on occasion.

I know that in my late teens, I was desperately and equally in love with two men. One was my partner and I was in a sexual relationship with, the other, it was almost like having a 'spiritual' affair with. I loved him intensely, almost like brother, he was my white knight, and on the hugest pedestal imaginable. Problem of course is that when you put someone on a pedestal, they’re likely to fall off.

Unfortunately, the second chap in my little triangle wasn't happy with a passionate but platonic relationship, and it all ended in tears. He wanted the sexual aspect of a relationship that I was only prepared to give to my partner.

Personally, I think it's easy to love more than one person, but (and this is my very limited experience of it) I don't know how sustainable it is in the long run. It was about love and not sex, and sometimes, when someone is getting love, they expect sex as well. That whole chapter in my live is the second biggest regret. I lost that friendship, and perhaps if I could have kept him at arms length, I might have maintained it.

I'm sure there are some people who do make it work. I don’t judge anyone’s sexual preferences. Different strokes for different folks, if people go into any relationship with honesty and integrity and open eyes. I think all you can do is wish them the best and keep your own thoughts and opinions to yourself!

Q

I understand what you mean, and it is a danger, but the older I get the less likely it is to happen. I know that I won't ever be able to have a one on one long term relationship again. I have lived alone for too long, and my last boyfriend left me with debts and an innate distrust of getting close to a person, so the way I do it does work out for me. But there are people who have met the love of their life by having an intimate relationship with a friend. It won't happen to me, but as long as both parties are happy, it can be the best thing in the world to happen.

I find the idea of polyamory fascinating - a bit like naturism ...it;s not for me, but I kind of respect those who can do it.
I personally need a one on one, utterly committed relationship with my partner. I expect monogamy from him and he does from me, we suit each other very well.

But I know at other stages in my life I have cared deeply for two men at the same time, one I was in a relationship with and one I was friends with, without anything happening. In that period of my life I would have considered one my BF and the other a very close second and it is a relationship that taught me that there are different ways of caring, so i can understand how people might find satisfaction in that kind of relationship.

Once I met BF, we had a connection that just wouldn't work like that; but I always remember that previous relationship and I know at some other stage in life I might have been tempted.

Polyamoury - the latest in a long line of new and shiny things to attract my chameleon-like partner's attention and the straw that broke the camel's back as far as my relationship was concerned. He suddenly decided that he was polyamourous and I was "bourgeois" because I could not or would not accept it. According to him it seemed as if everyone was getting into it and I was simply too backward.

I tried to understand it, lurking on assorted poly groups. When I eventually said I wasn't prepared to go along with it that led to the end of the relationship with assorted unpleasant events taking place. So polyamoury is a concept which will set my teeth on edge forever.

It may well work for some, or so they claim in the various books and websites I read. But they come across as all too "nice" to be real, as if they are forcing smiles on their faces.


Rhionnach