This is an unusual thread for me to start, but the subject has been brought to my mind quite a bit recently.

As many here know I have been a pagan for quite a while, but few will know that I have suffered “mental health” problems for the last few years. I need to be honest here and give some history. The roots of the problem lie with me being sexually abused as a young boy/teenager. From all the problems that that caused I decided to join the army (basically I ran away in my mind) as soon as I could.

The P.T.S.D. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) that this all caused – amongst other things – really hit hard a couple of years ago.

I wonder how many other members have had either personal or family experiences of mental health problems e.g. depression, ptsd, bi-polar disorder etc, and how you felt about societies attitude to this.

If you don’t want to post to the thread please feel free to pm/email me off list with your response.


Blessings

I was abused by my step dad, don't remember it all as I have blocked the memories. I suffered from depression, went through a stage of salf harming, went on and off anti depresents some helped, some made it worse. I am in a better place now but am still prone to depressive moods.

As to societies reaction people react negatively to the self harming and make assumptions, in Social Services it is seen as a trend because of Hollyoaks. Because of people's varied perceptions I rarely tell people about it unless I really know them. I can say it here because I am anoymous and understand many people have had similar experiences.

I feel that I have come out of it stronger but still have a way to go.

I hope you are healing well yourself.

I was molested by a stranger on holiday as a child, he was a shopkeeper near the apartement, but I got over it so i don't think it had a huge effect on me.

I have suffered with depression but that was due to miscarriages, I lost one child at 2 months and a little boy at 4 months, I was on anti depressants for a while, I noticed people react badly when told these sort of things, it seems to be something that is meant to be swept under the carpet.

Unfortunately i have had a good friend commited several times due to a mental health problem. The medication doesn't allow him to be who he is, and he subsquently refuses to take it. His intrest in the occult and pagan then acts as a trigger to his illusions and he spirals out of control. Sadly the last time, I was instrumental in having him commited, because i was so scared for him. I am still struggling with the guilt of doing that to a friend that I care about. As the hospital was hell for him.

This leads me to be very mindful and weary of what i do, as I have seen what can happen when dabbled in.

Wishes all the best of health, because we all deserve it..

I got very depressed during long-term unemployment, but it was paganism which got me out of it and started me looking at the bigger picture. Probably the worst time was when I did find a job and had a nasty bully of a boss, who made my life hell, by this time I'd moved and had no real friends to talk to. I did a successful spell to get him promotion - but the downside was that I got passed over 3 times (sound familiar?), and then decided to career-change and never looked back.

That was hard enough at the time, but reactive depression is easy enough to get over when circumstances change. Organic depression is a different beastie. I have a close friend who is cyclothymic, nothing I can do can cheer her up when she is miserable, nor bring her down when she is hyper, and hers is a relatively mild case. I can't imagine what it would be like living with someone who is seriously disturbed or delusional. Respect to those who do, and cope (or not as the case may be).

Boris

i'm on a disability pension for about 10 years now for agoraphobia/phobic depressive illness.As i don't live amongst our society i wouldn't really know how they react to me or my illness,but i do know on a whole that people are cruel.Only a few know my beliefs so i don't get a hassel wiht that...

I was abused as a child by a neighbour plus I was beaten alot of the time by my father and ridiculed all the time. Its been a painful eye openning journey to get where I am today. I've been in and out of psychiatry wards since I was young. I was diagnosed last year with Bipolar Affective Disorder with schizophrenic tendencies which basically means when Im manic I slip into psychosis. I hate having to take meds with a passion. I dont have a problem telling people I have an illness, but yes there is such stigma there.

What suprises me, is the amount of people around my age 30ish that have gone through similar experiences to mine. I always thought I was alone. It breaks my heart to be honest. To all the other members that have posted their experiences Im sorry that you have suffered

have combat related ptsd , creeps up on me when i least expect it, can be anything from severe depression to becoming a bit detached from the world around. which led to more problems over the years, paganism is something i follow because it makes sense and has proved itself to me, the way people react to me can be as scared at times, im a rather soft hearted person but look at times like a six foot scary nutter, i dont always realise it, the way people react can vary from eek run away and hide from scary madman to an acceptance by people who know you, society reacts both to inbuilt stereotypes and lack of education on mental health issues, most people are unaware of the effects it can have, not sure where im going with this really, but people react sometimes well sometimes not it depends on the people you meet.

No family issues, but I've had long term depression since I was fourteen.

It comes in long, slow cycles, and while I personally consider myself 'always depressed', I can go for months where I don't feel it as much, if that makes any sense. Now I can add life-stuff depression on too, like infertility and today's election.

Whoopee.

Dryad, procrastinating

I've suffered depression to the seriously attempting suicide stage, the first attempt was triggered by my life going completely to hell in a handcart over the course of about a fortnight.

I was made responsible for all of my younger brothers actions by my mother at the age of 8 and was regularly whipped by her for the slightest thing I or my brother did wrong, I have suffered depression on and off to varying degrees most of my life. I won't go to the doctors for it as I have seen just how much more they can screw you up as they did a friend who repeatedly self harmed and attempted suicide, they just kept up the dosage or the medication or changing it because they didn't work rather than find out what would really help him.

Storm Raven

sorry to hear your stituation with your mother,she seems like the one with the problem stormraven.And i too went to the psycharist but am never ever going back there again..did alot more bad than good for me...my blessings go out to everyone who has shared their problems.

Am taking medication at the moment,Dr wants to see me again I suspect to see how i'm getting along and knowing my Dr he'll start to reduce the dose.
Seen a councillor too which helped me a lot.
I suppose i'm lucky in that the Dr i'm with helps as much as he can.He's also one that doesnt give you medication for the sake of it.
Family and friends helped a lot as well.
I'm getting there and i hope everything goes well for others.

No family stuff, but like Dryad have suffered from depression since I was about 14. I self-harmed on and off from 14 to 21, at 20 it got bad enough for me to accept that maybe I needed some help. My doc, bless him, was really concerned about me and still fusses over me when I go to see him. I saw a councellor for nearly a year and have been on and off medication for the last 5 years.

These days I know it's still there, but I see it more as lurking in a corner waiting for an opportunity to attack me again. Those who were on the old site might remember that I had a bit of a 'collapse' summer before last, leading to a small bout of sharp objects and resulting in more medication.

However, we think we might have found something responsible for this - and everything else that's not right - underactive thyroid. I'm hopefully getting tested next week, so even if it's not that at least it's one less thing to worry about.

I'm thirty six years old and it was only last March when I discovered what was wrong with me, that I'm a chronic depressive. I knew I felt lousy more often than not and I finally decided to give St John's Wort a try. It was when I was reading up on it, and reading about the different types of depression, that piece after piece fell into place and the bells they started ringing.

For many years I've considered myself prone to bouts of the blues but I never called it depression. Not actual depression. I felt bad, but I was able to get out of bed in the mornings. Most mornings. I didn't want to but I did it. So because I didn't seem "that bad" I didn't realise I did actually have a problem. When I read that "chronic" meant low level but constant, I felt so relieved!

The first thing that got me was finding out that shyness is considered a sympton. Ever since I was born I've suffered from crippling shyness. I'm no where near as bad as I was, but I'd say I've only gotten over some of my shyness since my early thirties. But I am still shy. I say "Ever since I was born" because I only remember being like this. But I once saw a picture of myself as a toddler, or younger, maybe, no idea of my exact age, and it's my favourite picture of me. I'm lying down and I have this incredible mischevious grin on my face. I look so happy. When I saw that photo I was absolutely baffled. What the hell was I so happy about? And since when did I have the confidence to be mischevious? Who is this kid and what the hell happened to her?

Anyway, since I've nearly always been this way, I figure that it's an organic problem. If only anyone, parents or teachers, knew that when they looked at a kid who never had friends, who was shy, who prefered to do stuff by herself instead of playing with the other kids, if they knew to recognise that as not 'normal' and intervene ... then maybe I would have been medicated at an early age? Since I do feel it's organic maybe that would have been right for me.

But then, what's 'normal'? Some normal people are bloody odd, you know.

Anyway, was I fat first or depressed first? I now reckon the depression came first and the over eating was a symptom of it.

Preferring my own company, my hobbies are and always have been solitary pursuits. TV, films, reading. The occult came into it because I loved horror as a kid and from watching Hammer movies I moved to reading books about the myths - and facts - behind the stories. When I was a teen I so wanted to join a coven - like I'd have had the guts with my shyness.

I seem to attract other crazies. My two best friends are a paranoid schizophrenic and a depressive anorexic. Somehow us misfits drifted towards each other at school. Who'd have thunk it.

I'm hoping for a career as a writer. I write but I'd love to make a living out of it. What a surprise! A solitary pursuit! I wanted to try that whole "do it all yourself, make your own movies, rebel without a crew" stuff, but as a CD, I'm just not wired with the moxie to talk bullshit to people who need to hear it. I can't sell myself or my product. I have two wannabe producers interested in my scripts but if they need me to do the talking ... here comes another anxiety attack.

I think I'll be receptive to some therapy now. Before, possibly because I didn't understand what was wrong with me, I got nothing out of my one bout of therapy. So fingers crossed. I'm appreciating the information intellectually, but acting on it emotionally is still a struggle. I need to do something. I have to work on accepting the utter social remedial I've been most of my life. I haven't had a life. I haven't lived. I'd like to change that. Or at least learn to accept it. And mean it emotionally, not just know it intellectually!

Hi All,

This is the first time that I have properly been able to get back to this thread. Having read all of the postings I truly realised that as Pagan's we really do have a sodoff big family out there where we can share and be understood (trying not to blubb here ).

Thanks to everyone for sharing what you have - personal and otherwise - for everyone to see. I know how hard it will have been for everyone.

Blessings

I'm currently seeing a counsellor for anxiety. I had a nervous breakdown at 21 and am trying desperately not to have another one now. Am currently off work. My GP is very good too - he congratulated me when I refused medication. Only had it once and it made me so ill I collapsed.

Istari, I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. Sharing this kind of stuff is a great help to me, I know.

And I want to extend my respect to everyone on this thread.

{{{Stonewitch}}}

Day-umm, that is one heck of life!

I think your nick is very apt...and I am in awe of your survival skills. Because, I mean...dayumm.

Dryad

Bloody hell Stonewitch. I sincerely hope that the rest of your life from here on in gets better and better each and every day.

There's nothing I can offer to this thread...my life in comparison has been a complete stroll in the park, which is as unfair as hell. Just wanted to say that I'm humbled by you lot and have got so much respect for your strength. Hope you all get to the places you want to be.

just been diagnosed with Clinical Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, my heart goes out to all that have posted here, dont really know where i go from here, it seems its part of the path i have to walk.....cant really say how it came about, its long and boring and hard to talk about at the moment, im just glad i have my beliefs to help me through this.
many many hugs and blessings to all
hanna
xx

Hugs all those who have posted here, you are all so brave and strong.

Storm Raven

Following on from this thread....
Istari seems to have forgotten to mention his own wonderful group
for any who are interested:

http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/UKDisabledPagans/

Blessings
Celt

Well I suppose I could go into childhood things and all that, but I won't because in a lot of points it wouldn't have made me who I am now, and you can't change that sort of thing. But I've been a sidewalk shaman (read homeless) between 93 and 98. I couldn't tell you who was President, or what sort of world news went on then. I should have died, many times, but I didn't. I've been in and out of freaky places but thankfully, each time, the person with the ability to lock me up forever was Native American, or empathic themselves, or somehow or another in touch, and just said "Science just doesn't have a category for you, and never will."

And there's something about saying "Oh you're so tough to make it through all that" that also sounds like "And thank Gods I'm not like you". I find that sort of insulting.

So I walk with one foot in Dream, and one foot here, and just try to stay on the line, never going too far into THAT world, and trying not to let THIS one get to me too much. I don't like being called "brave" for any of it, because it somehow implies that there was something wrong with all the people who didn't make it through what I did, and that just isn't true. It's all we can do, really.

Hep Mama Witch. Keep on Keepin' On.

Is that so wrong?

Because, seriously, you have to be damned tough to make it through that environment, and hell yeah, I'm really freakin' glad I've never gone through anything like that.

Now, you can take that to mean 'thank Gods I'm not like you', but you would be wrong. That suggests that one finds the survivor disgusting, or bad, or something unequal to oneself, when in fact, all it means that one might admire the person who's been through a lot of crap yet still makes a life for him or herself, that they haven't been crushed or made less by that experience, because who knows, if one were to find oneself in a similar situation, one could only hope to make it through with the same strength and grace.

Dryad, wondering if she's spelled 'oneself' wrong, because it feels like it should have two s's

Badkitty, I'm sorry you would find that insulting, because I'm quite sure it wouldn't have been meant that way by anyone on here. In fact, as I said something similar to Stonewitch, I KNOW I didn't mean it in that way .

If someone gets through something terrible, or makes it despite all the odds, I think that deserves respect. Yes, I may also think 'thank goodness I didn't have to go through that', but that's human nature.

There's a big difference between pity and respect, and I know that what I feel when I hear things like this is definitely respect.

So whether I offend you or not, I'm afraid I still respect you .

I have had a lifelong struggle with self-esteem, and I find a lot of people think they can help by pointing it out, such as "don't be so hard on yourself" etc. which doesn't have the intended effect. It just sends me into denial - "I'm not being hard on myself".

However, my first husband did wonders by loving and respecting me and pointing out that my mother and sisters were "ganging up on me". It has taken me 30 years to work out how and why it was happening and how I could stop being a victim, and I'm still working on it really.

First hubby deserves a place in heaven (well, he's Catholic) for never blaming me or being unpleasant when he finally left me for a younger woman. People about to leave your partners, take note. It made such a difference to me that he still loved and respected me even though he had to go. Didn't love me enough to stay, obviously, but still...it helped.

I have a thing about people saying "brave", too. But it's not the people on this site, it's the newspapers - brave little tot with cancer, that sort of thing. As if the tot has any choice but to put up with it.

Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. My friend with cancer just bristles when you start the brave thing. Like she's supposed to buck up and smile all the time and can't just scream and howl about the disease ...she has to be "brave".

Since I'm coming out and getting more involved as a pagan and taking steps in therapy at the same time, this is what's occurred to me: as a believer in energy and the manipulation of it (that's how I define magic), what does this mean in regards to my mental health? As a chronic depressive I obsessively dwell on things that upset me. Am I not manipulating my own energy for the worse? Am I not untintentionally hexing myself?

Cleansing rituals sound like good therapy. A physical act to correspond with the desired mental state. Not that I've ever practised any physical acts to correspond with a funk!

But without the focused intent, my bad thoughts, about myself or others, shouldn't be hexes, surely. Or does the sheer length and intensity of my funk lend power to it in the place of intent?

I've got to work on blessing myself! And others! Surely that couldn't hurt.

This is the first time I have come to this thread. *Hugs* to all, whether you want them or not

Mine a bit a different. I have various physical health problems, which in turn now exaberate social phobia. I am happy living here (middle of nowhere), where I can go days without seeing anyone, my only contact is with my cats and the horses. I've found that the dark evenings affect me once more, yet at this time my story writing is more deeper, much better, much stronger and more sharper. So one helps the other. I did have depression but quite frankly for me, the drugs for that made me terribly ill, and they only mask the cause and didn't help it. By understanding the cause I am better, and by allowing myself, 'wallow days' I seem to deal with things better.

A mentally controlling and physically abusive ex-husband did nothing to help but it wasn't that made me kick him out, but finding out that he'd been lying to me, hiding my post etc. I have a hatred of liars. Then a man came into my life, slowly won my trust, knew all about what happened, then it turned out that he was an even bigger liar about really crucial stuff. So now I have an even bigger distrust of people, and as for liars I really deteste them and their spiteful twisted truths.

I've now been single for many years by choice, but don't get me wrong, my best mate is male. I trust him with my life, but I find myself questioning things people claim and say. I do stay cheerful, my specialists often comment that I'm always laughing, reason is that its what keeps me going, when I stop laughing I die.

Anyone who remembers my Land of the Mind story will remember that for me, when I'm physically unable to visit my woods I go there in mind. Actually then I have more freedom The mind is an exceptionally powerful thing or weapon even, It can make us, but it can also break us.

Couldn't agree more, Weatherwitch. It's amazing what you can do just by thinking about it...doesn't matter if you don't put intent behind it, if something's real enough to you in your head I think it can definitely influence what actually happens.

Speaking as one who shot herself in the foot, so to speak

This is what I'm thinking, the power of the mind, it's too frigging awesome!

So bless me, and bless everyone else!

Weatherwitch, I'm a writer too, and I know my dark style does owe something to my condition. As I'm learning how to feel better, I've noticed it's effecting how I feel about what I'm reading. I'm about to emark on a fresh story. It'll be interesting to see what effects my health has on it.

I won't bore you with my tales of woe but will say I can relate to many here (family stuff)

I have been through the ssri route and they only served to numb my emotions. Weaned myself off them earlier this year but now dark nights are upon us found I needed some help and am now using St John's Wort which seems to be helping.

I believe that what happened to me is what made me a stronger person and I know a saying that goes with it.

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

Don't know where it comes from but I always remember it when I am struggling.

No, it just delays the inevitable

My best writing takes place when I'm feeling particulary low, anything tried when I'm happy generally sounds contrived and false. However this is something that only really applies to fiction and poetry, so when I'm happy I tend to work on the serious bits of non-fiction that I've got on the go.

Smiter if anyone can get through it, it's you!

You're lovely and you've got a fantastic sense of humour. I'm really glad the St John's Wort is helping. That stuff is fantastic - got me through my Interpreting finals without having a nervous breakdown.

And if those little tossers you work with get you down, just remember, I could always cook something up to put in their food

What was that then? Mince? Steak? Chicken?

sorry couldn't resist.

Just had a lecture from one about the evil flu jab and how it contains eggs and isn't ethical. I said that me dying isn't ethical in my books so I'm having it. (for those that don't know I'm diabetic so flu could kill)

AS for St John's Wort it's great but I have been informed today by the nurse at the health centre that I shouldn't really be using it with HRT, what else could I take I asked her reply was SSRI's. NO chance, not going back there. Hated them. I'll take my chances and if things go wonky with my HRT I'll look for other remedies.

Don't know much about St John's Wort, but I know that it can render the Pill ineffective. I guess there's something hormonal in it that plays silly buggers with your hormone levels.

What about Valerian?

I was still thinking on the lines of senna and lots of it!!! How the hell do they figure harassing you with their beliefs is ethical? Bleeding w******!!!



Nah man, it's calming but calming in a 'send you to sleep' kind of way - and it tastes horrible.

Gods - what has been experienced by the folk herein posting is dreadful. Hugs to you all, though hugs won't sort it all out for any of you by any means.

Badkitty, if someone says that, I think what they mean is " I wish I was like you and could still stand up and be me despite all the horrors life has thrown at me" - that's what I'd mean, anyway. Deepest, heartfelt respect to anyone who can go through any part of the above and still come out the other side of it.

Ok seeing as we're all sharing...

I have a life controlling phobia that is very intertwined with panic disorder. I'm not agorophobic as such. I don't fear the outside but I do find it hard to leave the house as I panic everytime I do so. I also have depression but I think it's only natural when I look into the future and realise that I'm probably never going to travel or have a family or career or even be able to go to the shops alone.

I've always felt that my personality doesn't fit well with this illness as I am strong minded and energetic and have (I'm told) a wicked sense of humour and really do not get accustomed to feeling physically and mentally ill all day every day. I'm ambitious and I hate it and fight it with every part of me. I get told I should be more accepting so I would be less depressed but as hard as I try I cannot.
I've had this for as long as I can remember but it took hold when I was 9 years old. That's 17 years ago now.

I have tried many forms of therapy but unfortunately I have the phobia that doesn't respond to exposure therapy and cannot escape it (unlike specific phobias of birds, mice etc). I don't really want to post what it is because it is my ultimate weakness and I don't want to give anyone the opportunity to use it against me.
Hypnotherapy, cognitive.. I've tried nearly everything. I am not getting better. In fact worse. I had a breakdown 2 years ago.
I have also tried medication but the phobia actually prevents me from taking anything and I really don't like the idea of being medicated very much. I'm more of a natural remedy person.
I do the best I can and I try to take it one day at a time.

The connection I find between my illness and my beliefs is probably that I believe in science more than God. It's a very real and chemical word I live in. It is after all an imbalance of my own chemicals that makes me this way. So I have never believed in a Christian god as it seems utter make believe. I believe more in science and nature. Something that is tangible, something I can touch or see, something real. I don't have to understand it though. It's in nature that I see true magic and beauty. A magic that can't be denied. I love that it's there because I feel without the magic of the Earth there would be none.


Smiter - about the flu jab. Go for it! I had Fijian Influenza last year and aside from my disability I have ok health but my goodness that thing nearly killed me. It was awful and I was ill for so long. And I've only just got my immune system back on track. I caught everything that came my way for about 6 months after and still wasn't back to full health until recently. This time last year I was delerious with fever with my Mum and Partner desperately trying to keep my fever down as I was getting pneumonia. Not cool! If I'd been diabetic I think it would have been too much of a struggle.
Although I was told that even if I'd had the flu jab I would have still got it because the docs that make the inoculation have to guess which flu will be around and last year they guessed wrong. It killed quite a few people but the ones that had had the jab had a much milder version. I'm wishing I'd had paid for the jab now!

To everyone in a similar postion to me. I know how hard it gets and how dark and hopeless it feels sometimes but this kind of life goes in waves. Sometimes good sometimes bad. Just try to remember that when a bad one washes over you.

Big hug to all.

Foxymoron, I'm like you, it's organic, it's my chemistry. Does that make it more of a condition to be coped with rather than an illness? Maybe that's just splititng hairs on terms to use, but my sister has a book on the subject, on the difference between them. Must borrow it and I'll let you all know what I learn. If it's a condition then the "If you fight it you can beat it" mentality is just encouraging the impossible. But anything's possible! I could drive myself crazy (more crazy) chasing this stuff in circles.

I too am into the science behind it all. To me, that's how magic works, because of physics.

Fuzi, I think St J is hormonal. It's helped a lot with my PMT, although literature for it claims it doesn't help PMT, so go figure.

Jane please do tell me what you find out.
I could go on for hours about the subject but it comes down to the fact that it is a mental condition that has physical manefestations and origins. Mental illness can, a lot of the time, be overcome but I know after trying for many years and trying on a day to day basis that all I seem to be able to do when I give myself encouragement and battle cries is that I have a bit of a better time coping, but it doesn't affect the disorder or condition or disability at all. Well not much anyway. Oh it's very complicated.
Let me know hat you find out.
Thanks.

That's what I'm finding, Foxymoron. Learning ways to cope with the depressive funks (and other things) at least makes them shorter and less frequent. Usually. Life is certainly brighter, if still hard, with a way to cope. But the illness is still definitely still there.

My sis is looking for the book as I type this. ... And she's just stopped and sat down. I'll remind her later. It's called 'Manners Explained'.

I went on a course yesterday called 'Discover your Personality Type'. I found it all a bit basic at first, and the five types are somewhat broad, so peops can ID themselves in there somewhere, but I did discover my type and felt it helped with the whole self aware angle, which I find helps with the coping as it helps to know what I'm coping with. Mavis Klein developed this model and she focuses on bringing out the best in the types rather than trying to change something that we are predesposed to being.

hi all,

i am sorry to hear aall these problems i do hope they get sorted. My belief is that depression is getting more and more common as many people i know have been diagnosed as depressed or are showing signs of depression. i think this is mainly due to society today, it is so fast and life is so expensive things, are getting on top of people. this is also the reason (i believe) that the drinking habits in the uk have got so bad. people are starting to resort to drugs both perscribed and illegal to make them feel better but in the end they could be making things worse as some see this as a failing.

i dont think there are many ppl on this site who have not suffered some bout of depression, anxiety, mental disorder or physical abuse in some way or form as a child or as an adult...

but i would like to think thats why we have chosen this path to bring some sanity (ha ha yeah right) to our way of life... it gives us the strength that we need to carry on, through all this adversity we have faced and yet we are still here to help others...

the problems that i faced i have seen in others, when asked for advice or for help i can offer understanding and insight from my own experiences , sometimes having had trouble is the best way to help someone who is troubled , using your own insights into something as a means to help others,

I'm horrified at what humans do to each other, and I'm continually amazed at what people can survive, and deeply sadden that they need to survive such things in the first place. What the hell makes people act so horribly?

My mother was a very volitile woman, and I have spent years trying to understand why, she's dead now so I'll never get an answer.. but still I can't help wondering why. Its the question that haunts me.. and sometimes I think that question hurts more than what happened.

I don't know, but in some ways the stuff I've "suvived" pales somehow into insignificance in face of the question "why?", for the most part I just leave stuff alone, I've driven myself crazy long enough trying to figure out why.. but times like now when I'm feeling low, the why comes back to haunt.

As for the stigma attached to mental health, well I think for the most part its ignorance isn't it, people just don't understand, and what they don't understand they usually fear and can be awfully cruel about it too.

There is a lad who works at my local tescos, I don't know exactly what is wrong with him, but he's clearly got some mental retardation (if that is the word?), and he's a lovely lad, if he sees an elderly person struggling with their shopping he helps them, he always smiles and says "hello" and yes he likes to talk, I get the feeling not many people will talk to him. I saw him the other day when I popped in to pick up a few things, and he stopped me on the way out, asked me how I was, if I like the snow etc, out of the blue, he asked me if I wanted a job. Not sure why, but anyway I laughed and said I already had a job and no time to take on another, we spoke a bit more, then I said goodbye and walked to my car. The woman parked next to mine, caught my eye and pulled a face and told me I shouldn't encourage him!!! I was stunned. He is a personable, friendly young man who, I have to say, is a damn more polite and helpful than "normal" kids who work at that place, and a damn sight more dilligent about his work!

The woman's attitude apalled me, and in particular her apparent view I was indulging him by talking to him, what tosh, he talks to me because I smile at him when he smiles at me, just as old people often stop to talk to me, because I offer a smile... as a society are we so scared of strangers we can't even smile and respond to innocent chitchat?? Have so many people forgotten, how nice it is to have someone smile at you, how smiling back makes a person feel, oh I don't know, somehow happier, more connected to society?

Sorry gone a bit off topic. I guess I'm just damn annoyed by that woman's reaction, I bet she wouldn't have batted an eyelid if one of the other employees had chatted to me, but just because that kid appears to have the mental age of someone a bit younger, she acted as if he should be shunned.

I was physically abused by my dad (who had mental problems due to stress, but didn't realise it) as was my mum and sister, and I saw them many times being attacked by him and wishing I had the courage to stand up to him and fight back, especially when he hit my mum. It's left me with a fear of men, loud noises and sudden movements, which have been difficult to master.

But that isn't really worth dwelling on! It's where I've come from, not where I am now. I don't like the idea of being negatively affected and not beong able to move on.

I've suffered from depression ever since I can remember. I was cripplingly shy as a child, stuttering when I had to talk to someone I didn't know, and have not long recovered from a long bout of sociophobia where I couldn't physically force myself to answer the phone, and couldn't answer the door if someone knocked.

I haven't been diagnosed as it might affect my future career choices (I'm 27 and still haven't decided), and instead have learned to manage it myself.

Ive been depressed for about 10 years and have been on and off anti depressents during that time. peoples reactions have been bad when they have found out about it, some have even said kick yourself out of it and get off the anti depressants GRRR if it were that easy I would have done it along time ago but alot of ppl are just scared of what they dont understand I guess

hmmm anti depressants!

all they do is postpone the inevitable rather than quacks filling us full of different brightly coloured happy pills they should be giving us counseling and be using alternative therapies...

but nooo! too much hard work for them! they probably just happy using us as cheap guinea pigs...

Have suffered with depression at various times. Developed many and varied crappy defense mechanism over the years. Never could talk to a GP about my depression so have never been clinically diagnosed.

My last bout of depression pretty much coincided with my developing interest in Paganism...its has helped so much after a traumatic period in my life. I went to see a Xian counselling service which pretty much wanted me to beg forgiveness for all my sins. However it gave me no comfort as i wanted to forgive myself not be forgiven by an external 'higher power'. Paganism has led me to do a lot of soul searching and reconnecting with who I am and what I think. I think everyone's path is individual and involves a great deal of self discovery.

Q