Not sure where to put this...certainly not the snug, methinks.

Personally I dont believe in one Soulmate...although its a nice idea, its just not for me. I do believe that there is a right person for you at this moment in your life, and when they are no longer needed (that sounds a bit harsh...like throwin away old rubbish - however that is not how i mean it!) you will both drift away from each other.

I know I could expand on this, however, most of you are smart people and will get where I'm goin with this.

well, you lot, what are your thoughts?

LOVE????? Baaah humbug..... call me a grump but love isnt on my agenda as of late......and i dont want it ither!

...yeah, yeah....you wern't complaining last nite.

000h stick you yah mama too and yer dadddyyyyy!

Now now, don't lets let this thread get relegated to the snug after all folks

Not sure whether this belongs here or under New Age meself, but lets see how it pans out abit.

Now on to the subject itself.

Well I don't necesarily believe that each person is destined for another, but I will say that there are certainly some people I know who do seem to compliment, even complete, each other to such an extent that I do wonder if there may be some external force involved.

That being the case I don't always think it refers to people in love but can just as easily describe people who either work together as a team or just associate with one another closely.

Kev

I think love is an experience like anger and fear, and everyone gets it at various times in various ways. You don't need to believe in it: if you disbelieved in it, you'd be denying the evidence of your own senses, and that wouldn't get you very far.

As for "true and eternal love", well I'm with you, Touchstone. My first husband was my true love till death do us part. Then divorce parted us, and now I'm lucky enough to have another. Him too. Him being the first husband. Oh, the second one's lucky as well.

And these are only the two I've met. I think there must be countless soulmates around for everyone. I do sometimes wonder what people are doing when they do that handfasting thing for all eternity. What happens when they get bored and want to go off in different directions? They are bound to, sooner or later, if not in this life, then in the afterlife or the life after that. Eternity is a long time and there are so many people to know.

And SMD, I think there are also times when you can focus on loving yourself, and give yourself what you need - just do for yourself what other people don't seem to be available to do for you. And that is a very important kind of love.

One interesting variation on a soulmate I read recently is that a soulmate will not necessary be you partner but maybe your best friend or the like. That your soulmate is there for you to help learn lessons from life and being your partner may not be the best way to do it.

I certainly don't believe in love at first sight, lust yes, love no.
I believe in attraction, I don't equate that with love at all. Love develops, its not something that suddenly hits, its something that grows, and if nutured properly can be a powerful and long lasting force.

If not it whithers and, in my opinion, can be near impossible to get back, when that happens its time to move on. There are different types of love too. I dearly love my friends, I would do virtually anything for them, perhaps because I don't have children, my close friends are like family to me, and if they hurt I hurt. No, forget that, to me those I count as friends are those whom I love. Acquaintances are just that, acquaintances, there is no deep bond and I would not necessarily put myself out for them.

What is love, how does one explain an emotion? Love to me is extending yourself, being unselfish, its sharing that person's dreams, aspirations, hurts, failures, everything. The difference between friendship love and partner love, I think, is a very thin line. I'm not talking about sex here, sex as far as I'm concerned has nothing to do with love, and everything to do with attraction and intimacy. Although, admittedly, sometimes sex is merely scratching an itch.

I've had partners where their was loads of attraction, but no love, and similarly I've had partners I've loved dearly, I certainly don't believe that I only get to love one person in this lifetime.

Never in my life have I believed in that cliched, silly Thunderbolt type of love. I have believed in a very powerful, bonding love that I have with a very few close friends. I felt a close friendship sort of love with my husband and thought that all that talk of 'can't sleep, can't eat, can't think' love was an invention. Then BAM! it hit. So I was wrong, ah well somethings you don't know until you experience them.

Having done the "being in love" thing, which is lovely while you've got it, I'd have to say that love can last, but it depends on where your priorities are. If for example, your career or a physical move comes first for you, then yes, love does fade away.

The trick is finding the next person you might share that feeling with. I don't necessarily think everyone has one soulmate in life, but I know from experience that they're definitely not a dime a dozen. :-/

im in looooooooveeeeeee. i am i am i am.

Ok heres my takeon this whole love thing...

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married in 11 of those. When I first say him, it was love at first sight, and this turned out to be true for him also. We spent six months just walking around looking at eachother, before he finally had enough courage to come and ask me for my number and address...

I do believe that we are eachothers soulmate, this is because we both feel incomplete without the other person. I for example cannot sleep properly when he is away on business.

If true love and soulmates didn't exist, how would one explain that when one partner in a relationship which is 50 years + dies, then the other dies from longing??? If we find our soulmate we become whole, when he/she dies our soul is left incomplete, and this will ultimately kill us...

I don't believe that situation for one second is evidence of soulmates. A couple who have been together a very long time like that, and have managed to keep their love alive will obviously feel the loss keenly. To do believe love can be long lasting,and I don't doubt love, I just doubt all the romantic claptrap that is associated with it.

I just don't like the idea of a soulmate, but then maybe that's because I want to be free.


Edited to add: Of course there could be a slight bias, as I've just pretty much dumped my husband and beginning the process of sorting everything out... so I'm not overly fussed about love at the moment... you guys can keep it lol

Hmmmmmmmm....
I'll get back to you on that one.

A single person for everyone out there? No.. Im afraid I dont believe in that.

The reasoning is simple.. there are BILLIONS of people in the world. It would be nuts to think that we have only one chance of finding that one person, they could be on the other side of the planet.

I do believe in love however. And to a CERTAIN extent.. I believe what Touchstone is saying. Let me see if I can get this right.

I think you have a FAR better chance of meeting a person who will become a life long love from the age of about 30 on. The reason behind this is that I personally feel that untill about this age you as an individual are still changing and discovering who you really are. Im not saying that you wont fall in love before then and wont have a good long and happy relationship... but my GOD how much do we all change from the age of 18 to 30? I am NOT the same person I was back then. I got into a long relationship at the age of 17. It lasted 10 years... it wasnt JUST that he was abuse that split us up, we both changed enormously over that period of time.

I think once you hit a certain age the expectations from relationships change too and become far more realistic. With first boyfriends and loves, people, men and women seem to have some sort of a "fairytale" problem. They expect the other person to be able to "read" them... understand them and they seem to expect things to be easy, not requiring work.. because "if you love each other.. it should all just fall into place".

I think once you have been through a relationship or two.. you realise that this is completely crazy, and no matter HOW much you love a person, effort, work and communication are something you both have to work on every day. But you ALSo realise.. this is not a weakness in the relationship.. this is something you do because you have learnt from experience that love requires effort.. and if you love the person you WILL put that effort in.

So yes.. I believe in love. I believe that you have a greater chance of finding love and a lasting deepening one, once you have been through other relationships, and I believe that Touch is right when he says that there are times when people come into our lives.. that are there to go with us on a bit of our journey.. who we will eventually grow away from.

Make sense????

If you had asked me before August last year I would have said that I don't believe in love at least for me, then I met the most wonderful lady in the world and have fallen completely head over heals in love with her, to me she is my one true love.

I don't believe that there is necessarily one person who is meant to be your soulmate out there, though I do think there are some cases of people finding their soulmate, the connections being so deep and so strong, also the circumstances in which they meet makes you wonder if they weren't destined to meet, Danae and I are a good example of this.

Danae was so not looking for a man, she didn't think she could ever trust a man again, I was so not looking for a relationship beyond friendship, I was even more happily single and unattached than Dave. We met eachother in the HoT when Danae fainted in my arms and the rest is history.

Storm Raven

Aye, pretty much makes sense to me.

OK....not really sure how to put this......

I used to think that there was one person out there for you...but when meeting my ex I thought he was the one...until of course we broke up and ages later I met someone else.

Though meeting him was very strange and our relationship had a rather odd start. I wasn't expecting or looking for anyone. Was happy single and being a mother to Freya and wanting to try and get sorted.

Now I had all my defenses up...nice and strong. I have always protected myself..and only with time and trust have people got through them...until him really. He sort of glided through them...but when I felt nervous about him doing so he stepped back and waited til I let him...and to him I did the same.

It was a WHAM! One day I could concentrate on things, eat, sleep etc...the next...forget it...my appeteite went down, my sleep went out the window...and concentrating on anything other than him and my daughter was nigh on impossible. Slowly things have "got better" so to speak...though when walking through Morrisons and what should take 10 minutes takes half hour cos my mind kept going else where it kinda disputes that.

But I also love other people for other reasons...I love my friend the Tiger cos I can act like a big kid and have silly half hours with him, I love my moogle friend cos she's one of the few females I know and were close. I love Jane..my best friend and was actually there for the birth of my little girl as well as her father.

I think different people give you different things...but your partner is the most important...I hate being apart from him the 200+ miles that we are
And love hearing his voice and chatting online to him. Well only seven days to go and I see him again..YAY!!!....But it's going to be a very long seven days....

originally, way back when we wer little more than monkeys, we didnt stay with the same person (monkey )for more than 3 yrs...after that, they both found someone new.

Maybe they have been partners so long, their family have moved on and they are pretty much lonely would explain this...not takin the piss, just saw it wit some oldies i knew once.

Does it exist? Yes.
Does it last forever? Occasionally.

I always envy those very few old people that have been together for half a century or more and that have grown well beyond the bounds of physical love into something far deeper.

I'm not saying that the physical side of love is overly important to younger people, just that it does play an important part alongside the deeper love.

I also think that it's all to easy to confuse lust with love and yes, even that horrible word; infatuation, but we do get them confused because we're only human and we sometimes misread not only the emotions of others but our own too.

I married at twenty, yes, far too young I agree but it was right at the time and remained so for a long time. We were just as much in love as any of Valleys smitten are now.

I always say that we had five of the best years that anyone could ever wish for followed by five more of "normality" and then on to five years "on the slide". until after fifteen years we had both become something like adults. We weren't the same people that we had been fifteen years earlier. Expectations and aspirations change, ours did, but that doesn't at all detract from the brilliance of the first five years.

Do I regret that it ended? of course I do.
Would I do the same thing over? absolutely not.
Do I hate being single now? No I enjoy every minute of it.
We had our time and it was great while it lasted but true love doesn't always last forever. There are far to many things in life that we allow to get in the way.

Until Stormraven met Danae he was convinced that there was no true love out there for him, but he was proved wrong.

There may yet be someone out there for all of us no matter how little we feel that we need it or indeed want it. I just take things as they come these days, I'd never go out actively searching for that perfect partner because I'm perfectly content as I am and I'll be extremely cautious of who I get too close to but if the right person appears in my life, I won't ignore it either.

My opinion these days is that marriage contracts should be for ten years only renewable upon request. No man should be allowed by law to marry before they're thirty and no woman before she's twentyfive. It takes us that long to find out who we really are.

I've told my lads not to marry until they're thirtyfive, we'll see if they take my advice won't we.

When I say marry by the way; I include non-marriage but with commitments, in particular children because whether we like it or not, the same principles apply.
So OK, read marriage as real commitment if you have a phobia to that word.

So does true love exist? Absolutely.
Can we force it to happen? Never.
Will it find us? Maybe.
Is it vital that it does? No.
Is it easy to recognise? Sometimes, maybe, but it's also easy to confuse it with something else.
Should we accept it when it happens? If we have any sense; Yes.

So stop worrying and make the best of what you get

The 'thunderbolts' and love at first sight kind of thing exist and happens, but rarely. I don't think there is only one soul mate out there for each of us if it does exists, but maybe several. I don't think it's vital for us to be committed to only one person in a lifetime. Many people fall in love or lust while very young and because of this, there is generally an idealistic view of love and marriage.

People are individuals first and living with another individual can cause conflict and the ability to deal with these conflicts is not necessarily there when young. This is something that developes over time and it takes patience and a lot of work. And you need to decide if it is worth it.

Respect for each others indiviuality is extremely important I think in any successful committed relationship, the ability to communicate without blame and to compromise when necessary are also important. It's the mundane things that get in the way of relationships. Add to that financial problems, work problems and household duties are stressess that can add to the problems.

It used to be that people married young in order to have children and not be 70 something when your child graduates high school but now days, many couples don't want children or want to wait and waiting until your 30's to have a child should be fine.
So you'll be 50 when your child graduates. Who wants to be a young grandmother?

I know i cant really talk about this but just feel that i have two penneth to add

Yes people often dont really know who they are til they hit 25ish for women, 30ish for men, but that doesnt mean it cant happen earlier

What about those people who met at 19/20 got married by 24 nd are still together and very much in love today

Love is different for everyone and it expresses itself in many different ways so how can we generalise between people and say you cant be truly in love for the rest of your life til you hit 25/have had a few relationships

I am not the sort of person who has lots of relationships, i dont want lots of relationships, but when i do have them i enjoy them. When i was with my ex i thought i would be with him forever, i wasnt careful enough and got burned, now im with someone older and things are totally different, im fighting falling in love with him because i dont wanna get hurt again - but if i fight it am i gona lose the chance of meeting someone i could spend many happy years with.

Yes a lot of people dont find love til they are slightly older, but others find it young

and yes this is only my view, you guys may have points i havent thought of yet

Ari

*edited for spelling and to add

Ok i know that sounded a bit harsh and confrontational - didnt mean it to *

This is going to sound patronising .. but it isnt meant to be.

Experience.

Those 19/20 married, lasting relationships are a very very rare thing.

And I wasnt saying that you cant be in love before that.. but I do believe that if you have not had relationships then you cant possibly know what a relationship really is and what work it requires. As for how can I generalise.. its simple.. human beings are all pretty much the same and its life experience that makes us who we are and MOST do not really know that till they are older. Once you are settled with that.. THATS when a relationship has the best chance of lasting. Look about Ari.. there are lots of people older than that who are not settled with who they are.. the vast majority are either in relationships that dont work.. or are single. Being able to form a lasting relationship does not depend on love alone. It depends on a maturity from both sides and an understanding how both who you are and a realisation of who the other person is and where they are comeing from. And in my opinion.. only experience and age can teach you that.

Oh yeah i dont dispute that not at all

but on occasion you get those people who are more mature/ whos relationships do work from a young age but that can also run the other way you can get older people who are immature and whos relationships dont work

for all I know I may not find my partner til im much much older, but ill enjoy it while i can, and I can hope that I find him soon but I know it wont happen til im ready

I'm with you, Touchstone.

Having said that, I can't imagine myself with anyone else but Mr Dryad. Both of realize, however, that life happens, and that we can't forsee the future. That may sound harsh, but we're just practical that way.

Dryad

Well, this is a tricky one, and I know for a fact I'm going to ramble here .

Occasionally people do meet their Mr or Mrs Right early on and stay in love forever. But I don't think it happens all that often.

I too love it when I see an old couple together who obviously still adore each other, and I would love that for myself when I'm wrinkly...but have they necessarily been madly in love for all those years, or did they simply stick with it through a loveless period and wait for love to grow again?

And I completely agree that you should wait until you're older before committing. Not because you don't know whether or not you are in love, but because you change SO much...when I look back at myself 10 years ago, in some ways I am the same but in other ways I'm a completely different person.

When me and my ex got together, I knew he wasn't my soulmate but I was completely in love with him - yet I knew right from the start that he would break my heart. And three and a half years later, he did. Maybe it was a self-fulfilling thing or maybe it was the circumstances which were heavily stacked against us. Our relationship had very few highpoints but that didn't affect the love I felt for him. Don't really know where I'm going with this but I think I'm trying to say that sometimes love isn't always a wonderful glowy thing...sometimes it can be the most painful lonely feeling in the world, such as when you know it isn't equally felt for you.

But, I've learned a hell of a lot about myself from being hurt so badly, and for a start, I know I will never settle for anyone who isn't my Mr Right.
I'm quite happy on my own - a hell of a lot happier than in a bad relationship - and I'll be fine on my own for a good long time if it comes to it.

So to sum up (FINALLY ) I do believe in true love, but I also believe it may not last. I do believe that there is more than one 'soulmate' out there for you, but I don't think you are meant to meet them in every life time, and I definitely believe it's not until you fully accept yourself that you can really know who you want to be with.

Really interesting thread...

I don't believe in 'a' soul mate, I do however believe in soul mate(s).

I believe that there are people that touch your soul deeply and bring an intesity to your life. Some of you know that Very and I are close friends rl. We all met 5 years or so a go in sci-fi chat, we were formed a quintet of dangerous femmes. We all came online within about 6 months of each other and were all mid 20 somethings and I believe we were all destined to meet and raise merry hell.

Personally I try to fall madly and passionately in love at least once a week. I'm not talking about bumping uglies with them. I've got my man and I'm not looking for a lover...and the man I got I think I meant to have him. I'm a flighty creature, prone to flights of fancy and he grounds me in the best possible way. He's my anchor.

I think the human capacity for love is possibly our most redeeming feature. It's not a cup that run's empty and I think the more we love the more we can love. I'm a surrogate mother to more kids than I can count, I've friends who (while I might not lay down my life for I'd risk some damned nasty paper cuts for), colleagues who became bestest chums. I feel like my life is jam packed with 'soul mates' soon it will be standing room only.

Absolutely Ari, case in point - my parents, met when my mother was 19, Dad was 22 married as far as I can make out, a few minutes later. My sister happened 5 years after that and me 3 years after her. They're still together today, I wouldn't say they still hold hands and gaze into each others eyes though, come to think of it they never did. They bicker and wind each other up and huff but they still love each other. Not that it's always been easy but they do. Almost coming up for their 40th anniversary now.

On the other hand, met my husband aged 17, he was 25. Was with him over 10 years, married him something over 18 months ago now. Over those 10 years I grew up, he didn't. Didn't have to, as long as I was doing it for both of us. I thought I loved him, knew I wasn't 'in love' but as I've said I thought was an invention anyway. All that was fine til I did the very grown up thing of getting married to him and started to realise this relationship was empty. That not only was I not in love, I didn't love him at all or certainly not more than a fairly good friend and every day I liked him a little less. Aarrgh! What had I done?

That's when I started to believe in love, when I realised it was missing and I'd never had it. Once I did all the things necassary to achieve it, by which I don't just mean leave my husband but all the preceding things too, like become aware of myself, start to like myself and want to be happy, it came. So bloody fast it worries me some days that it might all be a fantasy. There is the other option too, which is that this is the relationship I was meant to spend my life in, everything else was just getting me here and set me up just in time to catch a man who certainly appears to be... everything.
Now, we're only a few months in and I'm very much in the loved up, rosetinted, 15 year old phase and I know that colours my judgement on this question but I am as I have always been on the sly, a romantic so I'm going with the destiny angle for now. Now that I've lived the rest.


Wow, that went on a bit, I have no idea if I had a point anymore....

Oh may those merryhelldays come back again very very soon!

hehehehe.

You know in the context queenie talks of soulmates I can believe in it, these girls enrich my life in ways imaginable.

Soulmates do exist, by my definition. A soulmate is one whom you love, yes; but they must also be your best friend, most respected companion, etc.
I have been lucky enough to have good friends who have spent 60+ years w/ their soulmates before losing them. No, they didn't die from their loss: but they did miss an important part of their lives. Francis, who is now 93, says what she misses most is the companionship - the loss of what was her absolute best friend since childhood.
I myself got lucky late in life, but only because I was ready did I get a chance. I had others in my life but they were lovers or buddies, not true soulmates. Even when I tried to delude myself I knew it wasn't true. As in previous posts, when changes occured we didn't change together; neither one of us took the care to bring the other along through the changes. When it is real you do more to make sure changes incude adaptation. My husband and I have been through incredible turmoil in our lives since the onset, but always touch base so the other one is involved and up to date with any changes. We talk about everything -- absolutely everything; and say anything without censoring it. I can't imagine another person, bar none, that I am as free with.
I don't think there is one and only one, I do think you must be ready and willing to work at being the "other one".

I don't believe in the idea of soulmates at all. I believe that there are people who fit perfectly in your life, people who enrich it, people who help you grow, but I wouldn't call them soulmates, especially as they don't always stay around.

I am very sceptical myself about soulmates and true love, as I had a pervious relationship which I thought was IT, and of course, turned out not to be. However I wouldn't discount the idea of spending my entire life with one person, but I believe that it is the people that make it work, not some mystical fate, or twinned soul.

Having said that, I am currently dealing with the loss of what many would term a soul mate- someone who loved me, taught me, guided me and touched me in ways that no one else ever did, and the hole that he has left in my life does make me wonder whether there is any truth in the idea of being linked to others in some way

Aye its a steep learning curve, I accuse him of having his head in the sand, but I guess I did too, and now we're all paying for it. Not really sure about Mr Right, the last thing on my mind at the moment is Mr Right, should I ever be in the position of committing someone, I'll trust my instincts.

As regards to youngsters falling in love and marrying, kids etc, I guess everyone is an individual, I met my husband at 24, I wanted the fantasy and I got carried away with it. I don't think age is the barrier as such, its experience. I've had relationships before of course but nothing that serious, if I'm honest up to then it was lust rather than love, and when I met my husband I wanted the dream, looking back I think I was in love with that dream more than him. Maybe if I'd had a serious relationship or two before him, I might not have been so foolish or had such a roseytinted view of what life together would mean. Hopd that makes sense!



Exactly what I yearn for, time to lick my wounds and regroup. Can honestly say I never want to do the marriage route again - although "they" do say never say never. I dunno maybe the trick to thislove business is tolearn to truly love oneself first?

Never had much experience (practicaly none).
Just know I have good friends and family.
Not going to say much more than that for now.

I'm kind of biased on the whole love/lifelong partner thing, begin as I'm currently engaged to be married and believe my fiancee to be a perfect fit with me (no not like that stop thinking those things Dave and Esk!)

but - yes, I do believe that soulmates exist, but not that they have to be people you love or are in love with.

Well, I've never really believed that there is only one person for everyone. I think that there are several people for everyone, at different stages in that person's life, and if you're able to find one person who is able to change and grow with you that's a rare and wonderful thing.

I think that it's likely that we find a soulmate for the period of time that we are "meant" to be together, and then at some point we part and move onto the next phase of our life, and possibly to the person, our next soul-mate, who is meant to share that part of our life.

I suppose Shakespeare sums it up for me:

'All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages'