Ok im not even sure why i am starting this thread to be honest. and im not sure what i am even asking, i know you dont have the answers but i had to vent and get some opinions.

I have been thinking about this for some time now and have tried to work it out for myself.


When i was a child i was raised as a catholic, went to a residential catholic school and was a "proper little catholic girl" or not.. i wasnt like everybodt else, i knew there was more out there and this faith wasnt right for me.

I went out one night with some friends and things happened that i wont discuss but i ended up pregnant with my (now seven year old) child.

as soon as i told my family about this i was A) accused of lying and practicly dissowned.

this is when i started thinking aboutpaganism and started to read books and learning what i could.

about six months later, I began taking it seriously and it all basicly started from there,

now, i seem to be in crisis again, i dont know what has triggered it or what has made me reconsider what i am but i have started to look into different paths and ideas within paganism.

I feel at my best when i am in the woods or gardening, looking after the chickens, by a loch or generally outside in a natural environment, I beleive in the tripple godess and the horned god, and have began looking at other godesses and gods (i am particularly interested in freyja for some reason)

I use aromatherapy almost daily on both my own illnesses and on that of my kids, I qualified as an aromatherapist last year and use it to help with my PCOS,IBS etc.

I use plants and herbs where i can for minor ailments.

I havent done any spellwork since yule other than asking the godess to help me with an issue that has been playing on my mind for a wile.

I think about my impact on the environment and how i can do my bit.

i guess what i am trying to say is, i still feel like a plastic pagan, i need to do something about it, i dont know what or how i can feel any better about this I have been looking for books or something that will make me understand more. the more i learn the more i need to learn.

ok i think i am rambling on, just re read all this and deleted loads because it made no sence. I dont even know what discussion i am starting. just am a bit stuck

Hmm...would a reasonable starting point be to ask you what you're measuring yourself against? I mean, if you have the feeling you're not real, then there's something inside you with an idea of what 'real' might look like.

Oh, and have you looked through any of the threads in here started by people who have asked the same sorts of questions, feeling the same way?

Stop worrying about it, relax into your life, love your child and make ends meet. When you are feeling most relaxed, in the garden or whatever, then simply listen out for what feels good to you.

Read mythology. Read anything you can get your hands on, including the crap if it happens to turn up, but keep your brain in gear - if people sound too good to be true, or want your money, then keep your distance...

Find out about your local area - go to places you feel may be old or interesting, and sit there, telling the stories to your child.

It'll come right. And keep asking questions when you find anything interesting, or if you find things contradictory or confusing.

Be well.

I think i should know more about what i am doing at this point, I feel like a complete beginner so to speak. maybee its just me being silly or realising there is so much that i dont know. or that there is so much i should know.

maybee i should start again, from the beginning and try to understand more.

I have had a good look thru the threads and will have another look. I'l continue reading as much as i can.

I dont even know why i even started the thread or what i was even asking.

You don't seem like a plastic pagan to me at all!

All those things you've said you like and enjoy all seem... fitting...

I'm not entirely sure what you think a real pagan should be? Sitting in the woods in a yurt? Living off the land? Monthly ritual? Like MH says, is there some "ideal" you think you should fit?

I dont know, other people seem to be able to "interact" with the godesses and gods in some way.

I wouldnt even know where to begin with that.

maybee i am just not other people and these things will come with time, i guess thats what i would usually reply with in a thread like this not started by myself.

Those who do interact, don't all interact in the same way. Nor did they begin the same way. Some sought out gods according to their own ideas, and some will say they were doing their own thing when a god decided to catch their attention.

Some feel they have attracted the attention of a god, but don't know who he or she is. Sometimes they might never know. Sometimes the idea they form - about who it is - is latr rejected by them when they come across something that makes them say "Oh, so that's who you are!"

Some fall out with their gods, and decide they are not getting involved with any gods again.

Some never did in the first place.

As to the feeling that you don't know enough - for one thing, there isn't a catechism. There is no dogma. There is no credo. There is no sin. There is no guilt. There is no hell - in the Christian sense.

The closest you might get to have something where there is a set of rules, is following aparticular path e.g. by being accepted into a wiccan coven, or joining OBOD, or following a recon path. Even then, though those paths are strewn with people who try to set rules according to what this person said, or what that book says, other people on the same path will argue otherwise. "Knowing more" becomes a matter of gradually being aware of those debates, and having a feeling of what you feel is right.

Hun, there's no "template" for the perfect Pagan. No scoring, nobody assessing how you do on the pagan 1-10 scale.

You seem to be doing absolutely fine to me

Seriously, don't stress it - like I said to you before - you will never know everything - because nobody does. There's nothing, nothing, wrong in being a "bog standard pagan" - ie, a pagan who just is, feels it, is it on a very low level. Not everyone is - or should be - a priest or priestess - most of us just bimble along making connections where we can and feeling our way for most of the time

It's a journey and it's there to be enjoyed and savoured, not stressed over!

You say you feel connected to Freyja - well, how about looking up some stuff about her and seeing if what you read strikes a chord with you.

The best advice I can give you is to think what really sparks your interest, because more often than not, THAT'S the gods' way of connecting with you

Oh - and ask away - (a) that's what the site's for and (b ) airing ideas is what helps when you feel you're blundering around - even if it's just to find out other people are blundering just the same as you

Thank you.

I'l keep going on as i am and have another think

Thats how i really came to my path, the goddess Frigga struck a chord with me and i explored.

i have to admit, you sound more "pagan" than me! all that nature and running after chickens heehee!

when you can pick up some myths and legends book, if you're interested in Freyja Kevin Crossley Hollands norse myths and legends is a good book to get stuck into.

Freyja seems to be very confident in herself and who she is. a very strong woman indeed and a great goddess to have by your side

No I don't - and I've thought of myself as Pagan for more than thirty years.

I have become relaxed. I leave the responsibility with the divine. It knows a hell of a lot more about where I am than I do!

I learned that from an old Christian bishop - he said "Let go and Let God". It works ten times over for Pagans too.

lol the running after chickens is stinkier than you think, there such characters tho, i swear they understand what i am going on about half the time, wich is an acchevment even my other half can't master.

I will have a look for some of those books on amazon.

took me a while (quite a number of years actually) to settle in to my own spiritual beliefs, so many questions, but that eases after a while.

I don't think there really is a proper pagan, only different stages of learning and change as a result. I don't really think there is such a thing as a novice (unless of course its part of a particular trad that states there is such a thing that is part of their training), we each have our own strengths and our own troubles that differs from person to person.

fizz

If it's any consolation, we've probably all been through the same thing at some stage or other (and probably more than once). There's been a couple of times where I've been convinced that somebody/thing was trying to get my attention but nothing ever came of it - no matter how much I read about them.
Just try and go with the flow and be gentle on yourself.

I haven't got much to add to what everyone else has said but I will say that you shouldn't worry about becoming a better pagan (what's one of those? ). If you focus too much on getting somewhere, you'll end up missing what's going on around you, and that's usually where things happen.

Exactly!

I've been on this path for a few years now.. blundering, making mistakes, asking questions, reading reading reading, asking more questions, reading some more..

I guess it depends on each person and what you believe etc, but I found that after a bit of spell work that saw results I felt a lot more confident, and also after my Reiki attunement too. I've also found a couple of animals guides (well actually, they found me ) Which help me feel connected.

TD.x.

Hey silverwolf, we've all been there at some point, don't worry. *hugs*

I basically agree with what everyone else has said here. There's no such thing as a 'proper' pagan - forget about trying to be something - instead just be. The label doesn't matter, you're you whatever.

Think about yourself, and ask yourself some questions. You love nature. Why? How do you connect with nature? You're thinking about certain deities - explore that more. Why are you drawn to specific ones? What is the significance? Read about different branches of paganism (Wicca, Druid, Heathen etc) and see if any of those philosophies match with yours, or if you find anything to learn from these. Think about the seasons and their significance, the 8 festivals are a great framework to start from, though there's no obligation to celebrate them the 'usual' way.

Perhaps don't worry about fitting in with anything specific to begin with - get a general idea and then take snippets from everything you can find. Then you'll have a clearer understanding of some common themes which appeal to you and then where you might want to go and explore further from there.

Lastly, as others have already said, you never stop learning, and my goodness there's always so much more to explore! Feeling like a newbie isn't a bad thing - I've felt that over time I've felt more and more 'newbie'-ish... the more I learn, the less I discover I know!

Hope this helps, good luck on your path.

Thanks everyone, after a good night sleep (its been a wile) some proper locks on my door (burgled the other night but thats another rant) and a good kick up my own backside combined with your posts i feel much better now. thanks ever so much for your replies. I appreciate them alot.

Sorry to hear that. It's an awful thing to experience

It does sound like a good place to start, cleansing and protection?

TD.x.

im working on that now, researching smudging and looking at protections. Thanks, i feel a bit silly now re reading my post

Don't feel silly, sweetheart. If you've suffered a burglary, you're going to feel all over the place emotionally. And one's spirituality is very much a part of where one is, emotionally.

You'll find a number of suggestions for house cleansing in the 'Magic and ritual' sections.

Moonhunter is absolutely right about how the burglary has probably affected you, if you are feeling a bit low, having your home and haven invaded isn't going to help much. There is some excellent advise in this thread and I would agree with it all.

Paganism isn't all about doing stuff and knowing stuff, although it can be if you want it to be. I am what I would describe as a minimalist Pagan, I don't worship gods or do magic or ritual. I connect in other ways. Nothing can connect you to the nature of things better than sitting by a loch, or getting your hands dirty in the garden. It is a perfect thing for a pagan to do, and making things grow, working with nature and feeding your family with the results is what I would call the most potent magic of all.

Chill me dear and don't be hard on yourself........ and don't you dare think yourself silly for feeling as you do. A level of self doubt shows that you don't just accept things, and that you ponder about things, which can't be bad can it!

All the best,

Mike

I experienced a similar crisis of confidence in myself some time ago. It's interesting that you mention other ways in which your confidence has been knocked along ith your paganism questions in this thread, had you noticed that?

I went to one moot, ages ago, and I was the only person there who did not look pagan, I was mortified. I was wearing high street clothes and subtle make up, everyone else varied from robes to goth to that style of clothing that used to be all you could get in fairtrade shops. After that I wondered how Pagan I was, even though I could work through the same mental checklist you did and cross off the same or similar points.

I also thought everyone else was connecting better with thier Gods than me, everyone else understood ritual better than me, everyone else knew more than me, gah it was awful!

Then one day I stopped trying. I read nothing, I did no worship, no ritual, nothing. I read stuff, but I tried not to read it in the presurised mindset of wanting to be something, more as though I was reading about a faith I would not personally partake of such as Islam just from the point of view of interest.

I found my connection to an unspecified sense of diety could be achieved just as well by lying on my bed and being open to it than through a more defined activity such as spellcraft. Over time my feeling for the land grew and grew to the point I can reach quite an altered state just from sitting on the moors.

I have still yet to "meet" a single God. I'm not too fussed anymore. If they want me they know how to reach me.

Oh and I still don't look like a Pagan.

But I don't doubt for one minute I am.

Silverwolf, i too have felt like this many times, that i couldn't possibly be a 'real' pagan because i've missed a festival or haven't really done anything lately that could consttute being a pagan.

But then i just stop and laugh at myself. Maybe go outside for a while, and watch the clouds or sit by the river and remind myself that one good thing about being a pagan is that there is no right or wrong way, as long as it feels right for me.

Don't be so hard on yourself