Jump to content

Welcome Guest!

Welcome to UK Pagan; The Valley

Like most online communities we require you to register for an account before we give you access to read and post.

Only a small number of our forum areas can be read without registering for an account.

The Magick Shop
Please consider visiting our kind sponsor: The Magick Shop
Pomona

Living With A Witch - Some observations!

Recommended Posts

Pomona

This was written by Vert - it's a light-hearted look from a non-Pagan on sharing a house with a witch. Enjoy!

 

 

LIVING WITH A WITCH - A GUIDE FOR THE NON PAGAN PARTNER

 

 

It’s a strange thing being brought up in a Christian house with the matriarch being a religious zealot and then years later ending up living in a Pagan house with an equally committed, and I use the word committed advisedly, religious woman running the household.

 

It all started so innocently as well. It was after our relationship had started I was aware that she was a little different, not quite of the so called ‘norm’ and then one day she told me “I’m a Pagan” to which I replied with a supportive smile and a trying to sound interested “Really?”, however what I was really thinking was “YES!!! I’m going to get laid…..probably in the woods and possibly at a Satanic orgy….result!!!”

 

My first Beltane, well the first one I knew was Beltane, was an odd affair. Pomona was doing her impersonation of Daffy Duck, not quite going woo hoo and bouncing off the walls but pretty close, there was food, a circle, an apple, some cider and lots and lots of sex. I could get to like all this Pagan stuff!!!

 

Then I stared to actually take a look around where we were living, and I found myself actually noticing things that had probably been there all the time. The Pentagram on the gate, the door ornament in the shape of Herne, the slaughter bloody carcass of a goat on the alter in the living room, the goblet that always seemed to have the first drop from a bottle of wine in it, the endless numbers of books on witchcraft, the Buffy DVD’s, the Goddess plaque above the bed and most telling of all the way my beloved would cower and hiss in the corner like a wounded animal whenever the Jehovah’s Witnesses who live along the road would be in sight. Ok, I admit that one of those isn’t true, I mean who in there right minds would have a Pentagram on their gate?!

 

In time you get used to the fact that at 3am the other side of the bed will be empty and your beloved will be butt naked in the garden, muttering incantations, casting very odd shaped circles or confusing the hell out the neighbours who have just gotten back from the pub.

 

I’ve learned over time that there are certain things that you really should and shouldn’t do when living with a Witch:-

• Never ever confess that you were too lazy to wash the dishes and instead used the goblet from her alter to drink your cider when watching the football on telly.

 

• Never EVER on pain of dreadful Hexing agree with anything ever said by Kevin Carlyon

 

• Never switch off any historical documentary on BBC2 or Channel 4, most Pagans seem obsessed with this sort of stuff even if the Paramount Comedy Channel is far more entertaining. Even Tony bloody Robinson has taken on God-like status in the Pagan world

 

• Don’t insist on watching Songs Of Praise even as a joke

 

• Try and mark out the various festivals in you diary, you will almost always get laid/have to do the dishes

 

• Don’t ask what the cloak is for.

 

• Don’t ask why she keeps giving the moon the finger and makes the ‘Ozzy’ horns at the sun.

 

• Try and go to moots with her

 

• Don’t laugh when someone says “merry meet” to you, no matter how ridiculous it sounds

 

• Never point out that Mead tastes like aviation fuel

 

• Never question why many Pagans shout “Jesus Christ” when they get a fright.

 

• Remember to keep buying her perfume or at least compliment on a brand that you like so that she’ll keep wearing it, otherwise she will revert back to type and start wearing Patchouli Oil which even Goths are now embarrassed so wear!!

 

• It is a plain fact that all of the Inkubus Sukkubus songs sound the same but there is nothing to be gained in pointing this out.

 

• The maladjusted weirdos she hangs out with are no worse that some your own friends, repeat this to yourself until you actually believe it to be true.

 

• Go to the Pagan Fed conference, Mad Mick will be there and he’s funny.

 

• Go to the Pagan Fed Conference, your Witch partner will be so stunned by your ‘Pagan friendly’ actions she may not notice the fact that you have spent half of the day propping up the bar and the other half running riot at seminars by scaring all the new agers with your “kill all the Christians” line of argument.

 

• When the chanting begins at the Pagan Fed conference, go outside to laugh….you will not be alone.

 

One thing you’ll need to get used to is candles, there're going to be bloody everywhere. Whether it's tea lights in the bog or knob shaped monsters on the altar they will be everywhere. This will off course serve a purpose in that every few weeks your smoke alarm will be tested out and will serve as a very useful reminder to change the batteries regularly. It should be noted that scented candles will also play an increasing role in your life: they will make you house smell like LUSH after a major fire, this will be only marginally better than the bloody incense which smells like someone peed in your dirty washing then left it in the sun for a month.

 

Cats will also come into your life. It may be a commonly held belief amongst non-Pagans that witches have a cat, the reason for this belief is because it’s bloody well true. The WAWU, (Witches And Warlock Union) rules clearly state in crappy Olde English (more of that later) that the Witch should

 

“Takest herself hence unto the Yeoman of the Cat and procure there the mangiest, mankiest moggy to be full of hair and stupid to the degree of Kevin”

 

This edict will result in your home being overrun but this benign little monster, even worse two!! They will Meep, sleep, annoy you when you are trying to surf, jump on your balls when you are dozing on the couch and generally scratch your furniture to worthlessness. Please note that under no circumstances should you ever ask your Witch partner to chose between you or the cats, she’ll be phoning you a taxi before you’ve even finished the sentence.

 

Ye Olde English Speak will drive you mad, you have been warned. It seems that your beloved partner has the need to occasionally speak English by adding ‘est’ on to the ends of words and adding in words like ‘thou’,‘doth’, ‘dost’ and ‘perchance’. This is a direct result of watching far too many of the historical documentaries I mentioned earlier and having an unhealthy obsession with the King Arthur and King Henry the Eighth.

 

Note: It will do you no favours pointing out that Arthur if he even existed probably spoke Latin not English. If you’re not from England and you point out that your ancient language probably didn’t consist of the Shakespearean b*ll*cks that you’re being presented with and you’ll probably end up with a slap in the face or a hex that turns your pee into molten lava.

 

Living with a Witch also means that Christmas is ruined. Not only will you have to hear endless moaning about how all of those horrible Christians stole Yule and turned it into Christmas you’ll also have to bring the whole thing forward by three or four days meaning that you’ll not get a public holiday and have to eat into your precious annual leave and it will for some unknown reason always end up being on a Monday or Tuesday. Of course all of your mates will be at work that day so you won’t even get the chance to go to the pub with them after the meal.

 

Summer Solstice will be observed whether you like it or not. This will challenge your punk ideals, the very idea that you’ll be hanging around with a bunch of dreary hippies banging bloody drums on some midge ravaged hillside will chill you to your core. The Sex Pistols, The Clash, Stiff Little Fingers and The Ramones fought for you, they battled against hippydom and this is how you repay them? You may as well just go out and buy Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and forget that Punk ever happened.

 

Then there’s the pluralisation of God. You’ll make a point of emphasising it the first few time you say “Oh my Gods”, you feel righteous and PC (Paganly Correct) and soon you’ll be shouting “Good Goddess” whenever you team is denied a penalty. Your Witch partner will be delighted; your mates will think you’re a twat.

 

Your Witch partner's parents will love you for being non-Pagan as they will see you as a hope that you can save her from the Satanic cult she has gotten herself involved in. They will share your embarrassment as she tries to explain that fairies do exist, you will nod as if in agreement but find yourself mouthing the word “b*ll*cks” as her parents roll their eyes. You will have that bond with them, they will share every cringe and every sharp intake of breath when the word “witch” is mentioned. Hallowe’en will be a very difficult time of year.

 

Paradoxically you, along with her parents will find yourself defending Paganism against the normal accusations of Satanism (not true), sacrifices (ahem) and wild orgies (hmmmmm). You’ll become a Pagan spokesperson based on reading one pamphlet that was accidentally left on the bar at the Pagan Fed conference.

 

You will never mention her Witch status to your own parents and certainly never used the phrase “horned God” in their presence or bang goes the inheritance!!

 

You will go to Whitby and love it. You will rationalise that all the other long haired punters are just basically metal-heads out for a piss up, the word Pagan will be barely uttered for fear of bringing everyone down. You will convince yourself that Whitby is Las Vegas and Yorkshire is Disneyland and worse still that the Goth inhabitants are as happy, jolly and entertaining as the f*cking Oompah Loompahs!!

 

You will of course have to change your name as all Pagans it would seem from your own perspective have to change their names. Her friends have names like Moondragon, Quicksilver, By-Tor, Hercules and Fairymaiden. Apparently there has never been a Pagan call Norman or Jane!!! You of course will be expected to chose your own name, preferably something to do with her pantheon, not that you even know what the word pantheon means so you could well end up being called Thor’s Pants if you're not really careful.

 

The fluffies are basically just acid casualty hippies or the offsping of said casualties. They tend to be Doctors or Social Workers from Surrey who have bought a second home the Highlands so that there precious offspring Taliesyn can "connect" with Gaia. Of course the Highland house will have 5 bedrooms, stables, a swimming pool (heated of course), Sky and broadband. They will of course recycle the Sunday papers and complain that the local pub doesn’t sell Olde Farmers Manky Cock Real Ale instead of Carling Black Label.

 

Then there’s the fundies, the Shi’ite Pagan’s who will not listen to anyone else and possibly not even themselves. The are generally former Christian evangelists who ran out of people to convert in the home counties and have turned their attentions to something more edgey. Ten years from now they’ll be stopping you outside Boots to try and sell you a book and shouting “Gouranga” to try and drown out the fact that you just told them to “F*CK OFF!!”. The Fundies are a pain as their many exploits will ruin many evenings that were originally destined for sitting in front of the telly. Your heart will sink every time your Witch partner fumes her way back from the computer to explain every detail of 47 page thread that argues that Path X is right and all other paths are sh*te. The fundies will live in self imposed poverty in forgotten corner of the world banging on that this is how the old ones used to live, how they and only they are resurrecting their ways and then chasing away anyone who has the bloody cheek to try and be nice to them or even worse agree with them.

 

The fundies and the fluffies do offer some entertainment with the fundies regularly and viciously savaging the fluffies. The fluffies do keep coming back for more in ever increasing number and it’s hilarious to watch the fundies gradually being worn down and facing retreat after retreat.

 

Living with a Witch has many dangers, mainly for the lovely Witch herself. She has powers you know, dark and mysterious powers, none more terrifying than the power to banish you to the spare room and ruin your sex life. I mean how were you supposed to know that you’re not supposed to use her wand to stir your tea or the athame to spread thick cut orange marmalade on your toast?

 

There are of course compensation for all of the above. Witches have notoriously low morals and the Satanic orgy of you first thought of are not beyond the realms of possibility. The various festivals do involve three of your four favourite past times, eating, drinking and sex. If they could somehow managed to fit sitting in front of the telly watching football you could well think of becoming Pagan yourself!

  • Like 9
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ad from Google

weatherwitch

Oh bloody brilliant Vert :( : :D

 

:P :lol: :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rain

Awww...LMFAO... :P :lol:

 

An nothing wrong with any of that is there?

 

Bet you be pleased about all them candles when you have a power cut :rolleyes:

 

Rain

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Freebird

Brilliant :P

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest scottishmoondreamer

I love it...........I think pomona that this piece would be a great editorial story for our local paper?? *grin* I DARE yah to send it into them???? annonymously of course! :D

 

editorial@journalandgazette.co.uk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
gypsimoon

:D :D

 

I know the feeling. My ex hated it when I told my step chidren the story of Medb "she who makes men drunk" or responding "Yes" when asked by said step chidren if Witches really exist. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest stenness

A really good bit of writing and so true, and I love the Highland House with all the mod cons of London suburbia :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest witchstorm

Excellent, I may well print that out and pass on to my non pagan other half to read!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rhiana

absolutely fab from the twinkly boy :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
isolt

That is sooo funny.

And scarily true

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Birka
The fluffies are basically just acid casualty hippies or the offsping of said casualties. They tend to be Doctors or Social Workers from Surrey who have bought a second home the Highlands so that there precious offspring Taliesyn can "connect" with Gaia. Of course the Highland house will have 5 bedrooms, stables, a swimming pool (heated of course), Sky and broadband. They will of course recycle the Sunday papers and complain that the local pub doesn’t sell Olde Farmers Manky Cock Real Ale instead of Carling Black Label.

 

 

:o_beer: :o_bounce3: :o_bounce2:

 

:o_drink: :o_bounce:

 

Fantastic !!! Vert's a genius.

 

It's amazing, from the way he talks about the fluffy above, it sounds like he's met the one I met

 

Olde farmers manky cock real ale!!!!!

Edited by elswyth

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Scathach

Tears of laughter streaming down my face, threatening to blow up my keyboard! Absolutely brilliant.

 

Scath

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Xalle

Bloody brilliant!!

 

Laughed out loud several times.. luckily in house on me own.. so noone to look at me like im insane.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Dave
this will be only marginally better than the bloody incense which smells like someone peed in your dirty washing then left it in the sun for a month.

 

That would be the jasmin from my local market.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Mabon

I started reading bits out to Dale (which he, as usual, pretty much ignored) till I got to the bit about 47-page threads. Then he said "it's all TRUE! Please stop reading to me!" & burst out laughing. ROFLMAO

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Julai

Great stuff! I think I want to be a fluffy, can I be a fluffy? I'm going to have a hot tub in my wood when I get it. I might hang lanterns on the trees. And get someone to come with a synthesiser and play heavenly choir sounds to the tree fairies. And can anyone make me a life-size rainbow unicorn to guard the portal? :) :D Am I joking or not, I don't know, it does sound such jolly fun. :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Nemesys

Fraggin' marvellous... :o_lol:

 

Although:

 

the Goth inhabitants are as happy, jolly and entertaining as the f*cking Oompah Loompahs!!

 

Well of *course* we are. :o_claps:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rhionnach

This piece seems to have escaped and is now appearing on a list somewhere near you. It's being forwarded with no acknowledgement of where it has come from. I suppose it's a compliment but they could say where it came from!

 

 

Rhionnach

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Cerridwen

;) :o_roflmao: :o_rofl:

 

excellent! :o_rofl:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×