Jump to content
Galaemar Laerareon

Welcome Guest!

Welcome to UK Pagan; The Valley

Like most online communities we require you to register for an account before we give you access to read and post.

Only a small number of our forum areas can be read without registering for an account.

Please consider supporting us to help keep our Website and Facebook groups online. Become a Patron!

She Laughed At Me


Guest Jasmin
 Share

Recommended Posts

How do I deal with this,

 

Last night my mum visited and thinking her to be an open minded person I invited her round for my first yule meal that I have been planning for me and my hubby. I had told her that I was starting to follow a pagan path a few months ago and she seemed OK with it. I had read that Sabbats were a time for hospitality and assured her that any prayer I might make or small ritual would be done before she arrived as I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable thinking that it would be just nice to have her around afterwards for the food and to be make her feel included . I specifically told her that nothing would be as she would put it ' strange or out of the ordinary '

 

All she did was snigger and laugh at me and poked fun at what I was planning to do the following morning i.e getting up early to drive to the moors and watch the sunrise, she then laughed and asked if I was going to start singing and burn offerings in the log burner that I was planning to drink hot drinks round in the garden later on that night.

 

I was so upset by her that I withdrew the invitation later that evening over the phone and said that I would cook for her another time over the christmas holidays, does anyone here think I was stupid to ask her round in the first place, and does anyone think I was mean to withdraw the invitation afterwards, any opinions would be really appreciated, I just feel like a fool at the moment, :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please consider supporting us to help keep our Website and Facebook groups online.

personally, no.

 

but thats how my mum reacted too when I told her all those years ago...it was just a phase...yawn, looong phase I am now 44.

 

I drew a massive line of privacy around it and have done ever since.

 

but that's just me...and my family, who are a tad on the extreme in their thinking anyway...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To be honest, inviting her round for a meal was a nice thing to do, leaving anything that might make her feel uncomfortable for when you were alone was also very considerate. If all she can do in response is take the mick about what you'll be doing when she's not there (and therefore things that are naff all to do with her) then I'd have withdrawn the invitation too if I was in your position.

Edited by Penardun
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do I deal with this, 

400123[/snapback]

 

I would call her back and apologise for being so childish then explain how important this is to you, at the end of the day however you may have to accept people will find your beliefs strange and even humorous. I have been a Pagan for more years then I care to remember but I still find other pagans hilarious, I also have non-pagan friends who openly mock mine, it is just part of life

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course it wasn't stupid to invite her in the first place...nor was it mean to withdraw the invitation.

 

You were testing the waters...nothing wrong with that at all. Some folks are mighty uncomfortable with what feels "different" to them and can make light of it because they don't know how else to react.

 

Don't take it too much to heart...it would have been far more awkward if you actually lived together and she behaved this way. You can simply do your own thing with your hubby and join in with her "celebrating" at her house.

 

It would be nice if everyone is accepting of everyone else's...but it doesn't need to have any impact on your life. She's obviously not yet comfortable with it...so just leave it be. Let her come to you if she wants to know any more...but if that doesn't happen, no harm done. :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you were wrong to talk to her. Her reaction was far from mature or supportive, but you are not responsible for her reaction. You are only responsible for what you did, and what you did was to discuss your spiritual leanings with your mother, this is not a peculiar thing to do. Let go of the guilt over the way she took it, it's not yours to hold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You weren't stupid for inviting her............ but perhaps you were a little optimistic in thinking she would react in the way you hoped she would. You have to remember that the idea of Paganism is absolutely alien to many people........... and most people only have the stereotype to go on. Perhaps your mum was nervous and felt uncomfortable with it all and making little jokes and laughing can be a natural response.

 

Reading between the lines it doesn't sound as though your Mum is particulary narrow minded or malicious. However new Paganism is to you, remember it is even newer and stranger to her......... so perhaps try to understand it from her perspective.

 

If you and your mum are sound with each other things will turn out okay in the end, just remember that Paganism is your venture and not hers and you cannot insist that she take it seriously if that is not how she feels.

 

I hope it all works out well for you.

 

Mike :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree you werent stupid for iviting her! You wanted to share your beliefs with her and there is nothing stupid about that!

 

She can find it as funny as she likes but she should repsect you enough not to openly mock you! IF she doesnt agree fine, but there is no need to be as childish as she was.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks peeps, Food for thought, Will try not to take her reaction seriously and just get on with it. I really wasn't trying to make her feel like she had to take me seriously, but hey you live and learn, will chalk it up to experience , and move on. Silly me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks peeps, Food for thought, Will try not to take her reaction seriously and just get on with it. I really wasn't trying to make her feel like she had to take me seriously, but hey you live and learn, will chalk it up to experience , and move on. Silly me!

400174[/snapback]

 

Dont feel silly :unsure: Like you say, its a lesson learnt :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do I deal with this, 

400123[/snapback]

 

I would call her back and apologise for being so childish then explain how important this is to you, at the end of the day however you may have to accept people will find your beliefs strange and even humorous. I have been a Pagan for more years then I care to remember but I still find other pagans hilarious, I also have non-pagan friends who openly mock mine, it is just part of life

400131[/snapback]

 

 

You think Jasmin was being childish?????

 

I certainly dont.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you was being childish at all, I would have withdrawn the invitation aswel. well i did, my mother was not welcome in my house for 5 years because of how she took my beleifs, its only in the last 3 months she has become a little more welcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were definatley not being childish and i wouldnt call her and apologise for being so even if it is to make her happy or whatever reason. If anything she is the childish one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It was lovely of you to invite her and very much in the Yule tradition.

 

It was very considerate of you to offer to carry out any rituals etc outside of her sphere to spare her embarrasment or discomfort.

 

I suppose it depends on the tone of voice as to whether you Mum was making a joke ( as people often do when uncomfortable about something or not understanding something) and did so mearely to break the ice, or if it came accross as mean spirited.

 

It upset you and you obviously felt uncomfortable having her over for your very first Yule celebration, and perhaps it is best to get comfortable with your Pagan activities before including others who may not understand.

 

She is your mum, and as you offered to cook for her again I am guessing she is not a bad mum, and as mentioned here there will be many others who will think you are utter bonkers for being any kind of Pagan, so even if your mum does not "get it" having her on your side can be a really important thing. So perhaps finding a moment to let her know how you felt ( try not to phrase it in a way that points the finger and says "you made me feel" as that puts people on the defensive) just so you can see how to move forwards.

 

Mums - good mums - can be surprising, a freind of mine came out as gay when he was 16 and got no end of grief from many people he told- his Mum really did not get it but just did not want to discuss it or hear about it - she did not put him down but he felt she did not support him...until.. he overheard her at the butchers giving the local gossips what for, for discussing him in a negative way. That eveining she did not mention it at all so he understood that no matter how confused she was about it all, and even if she did not give hugs and invite lovers round to stay, she was his mum and would defend him always, just in her own way.

 

I mention this, as you may find your mum never wants to be actively involved, or never wants to get into deep philisophical discussions with you about paganism, but you know your mum best, and as mentioned here, you might just ringfence paganism from your relationship with her, and appreciate what you have with her for what it is.

 

Hope things go back to normal soon.

 

BB

 

TG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A couple of points here.

 

This reminds me of a sumbel I tried to put together for my family once and all they did was get pissed and make fun of what I was trying to do. Did that make them bad people or uncaring? At the time, I thought it did but over the years I've come to realise that they were uncomfortable and unsure. A lot of people attack or mock things that they're unsure or uncomfortable with. How do I know that that's how they felt? Because they've gone from that to calling me up in Germany and asking me how to do a blot to Tyr to try and supplement more mundane efforts to sort out troublesome neighbours. They also attended my wedding in Denmark, in full viking age gear, participated in the ceremony and there wasn't a dry eye in the house!

 

The other point is that maybe you're being a bit insecure because this is relatively new territory for you and your mother and are getting more touchy over her reaction. I've often found that humour is the best way to deal with those kind of comments. It has the double benefit of helping you to feel more at ease and the person you're dealing with who's also acting like that out of insecurity. If the person you're dealing with is just being a dick, making fun of yourself is a good way of taking the wind out of their sails so to speak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it was lovely to invite your mum to your Yule celebrations and have her be part of your new path and am sorry to hear that this hasn't gone as you had hoped.

To echo much of what the others have said, your mum may be uncertain,or uncomfortable with what paganism is/ about and how seriously you are following your path, and unfortunately ended up coming across as mocking/unsupportive. I would try and have a wee chat with her and explain what being a pagan mean to you and gently let her know that you have been upset by her comments. You're certainly not being foolish, childish or silly. I do think you were right to revoke the invitation for Yule as having her there at that time may possibly make you both uncomfortable, at least now you and your hubby can celebrate in the way you wish and you can relax without fear of ridicule.

Your mum may come round in time, or maybe this is just a part of your life that is separate, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Hope you are feeling a bit better about the situation, there is a lot of good advice from the peeps here

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yup lots of good advice here. You have been neither stupid or a fool, and I think I would have done exactly the same as you.

 

I had a bit of a to do with my parents, basically down to lack of knowledge and stereotyping. But things have improved - it is a slow process (few years so far), but we are coming to a better understanding. Here's a few incidents that have helped me:

 

One of the things we did when we knew they were visiting next was to put away all things pagan. First thing my mum noticed when she came into the living room was that some beautiful ornaments were missing, which led to a brief talk on what the 'ornaments' meant to us. Tip of the iceberg receiving a bit of warmth!

 

On a few occasions now when I have been having mother daughter days, we have met some of my pagan friends... yes they're normal! Another wee chat about weird things! (a trickle of melt water).

 

When I was heavily pregnant and mum was helping me get more organized, she noticed a book not on the bookcase (sharp eyes my mum), just happened to be a book of shadows. She was admiring the cover when I gently took it off her and explained what it was for.

 

What I think has been a great reassurance to my parents is that I do not expect my children to choose the same path as me or OH, but to find their own. That we will celebrate the cultural holidays: halloween; christmas etc. If they wish to go to church then I will take them if they are not of an age to go themselves. This I made clear to them when things first hit the fan.

 

We have yet to invite my parents to any of our rituals, but they are willing to watch the children to allow us to host/attend them. Whilst they don't really understand, they respect our choice.

 

I hope that this will soon sort itself out for you and your mum.

 

In the meantime :blink: for being so brave to issue the invite in the first place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
Thanks again everyone, it really is helpful this place.  :)

400626[/snapback]

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experience with introducng your mum into home for sucha happy ritual,I myself got a couple of funny looks from my dad but mum was fine - dad has come to accept that I am pagan and have my rituals ,just as he is christian and his .....From the look of things i have been extremely lucky x :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Your mother should be happy you love her enough to want to include her in your life, personally I'm honoured when someone wants to share parts of their lives with me-it can be humbling. You were not being mean at all, you were merely practicing self defence.

If it makes her uncomfortable, then the onus is on her to grow and open up her mind a little, her daughter wants to share something precious with her..I mean why miss out on that?

Life's too short :rolleyes:

Edited by A_Muse_Darkly
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Topics

  • Posts

    • Ellinas
      As I have said before, I knew on another forum, and maintain an occasional contact with even now, a person who was known to see himself as a Christian witch.  Pagan?  Well he was on a pagan forum and fitted in very well, and his concept of deity was not such as would be safely mentioned in many a Christian gathering.   Us lot, learned?  More like Moonsmith's favoured image of the "old farts" on a park bench.  If the concepts have no use to you, I'd leave them be - otherwise you are in danger of joining the realm of "Old Fartdom"
    • Moonsmith
      Up to you Nettle but I wouldn’t bother if I were in your place.  I think that your approach to your beliefs is where it needs to be right now.  This thread will move on and fade away.  I’ve done research because I give talks on belief and need to know from which end of my food tube I’m talking.  There are always Pagans in the audience who know their stuff.     What we believe is what we really believe - that might be as good a definition of Paganism as any.  There is no “truth” except our own.  Share what you will but never let it be a chore. I’m here in the Valley coz it’s fun😄
    • Nettle
      I am not as learned as most here when it comes to paganism and even religion.    Hence why I do not usually get involved in such discussions. It’s not that I don’t see value in someone analysing their belief system and tagging the most appropriate label. It’s just for me it’s not that important.    I don’t know what I am, and to be honest I am not really concerned. Yeah it assists in communication but it is not that important to me.    At one time I know I understood the meanings of polytheism/monotheism/atheism etc but I have forgotten what they mean. They have not stuck. And as such they are not required for me to engage with my path.   Lol I am getting older now and so find I have to purge information to allow for more information to be stored! Basically I empty my cup, keep what is useful to me and discard (“forget”) the rest.   However I will endeavour to reacquaint myself with such concepts as they seem to be important to other members here and so may be worth more investigating and gaining different perspective. 
    • Moonsmith
      I agree SH!  Some Irish, Polish and Hispanic versions of Catholicism (Inc. some of their priests) are very like Polytheistic Paganism.  Once Catholicism meets Voodun you’d be hard put to create a definition that divided the practice Catholicism from Paganism.  That said, the Christians in question would object to being called Pagan as I suspect a Voodunista might object to being called Christian but I don’t know that.  I’d keep definitions of religion well away from definitions of Paganism.  I certainly don’t have a religion and I’m Pagan.  The original use of the word Pagani - (those who lived out on the pagus; outside of citified civilisation = rustic) - distinguished between formal Roman polytheists who would be offended at being referred to as Pagani and the rustics who wouldn’t. I wonder if you can be Pagan and not know it?  Is it behaviour related rather than belief based?
    • Stonehugger
      Is it that kind of word though? Where would one find an authority about what it was formally meant to comprise? A dictionary will say how the word is used in practice, so that's not prescriptive enough. An act of parliament? A contract? Speaking in my capacity as humpty dumpty, I could use it to mean something that's not like Christianity, Judaism, Islam etc. It's a statement of difference but also perhaps of exclusion. I've never been a Roman Catholic but I imagine their attitude to the Virgin Mary could be a bit borderline-pagan sometimes, so I could therefore imagine a vicar advising someone that their understanding is "a bit too pagan for comfort."
×
×
  • Create New...