Jump to content
Haylee Linton

Welcome Guest!

Welcome to UK Pagan; The Valley

Like most online communities we require you to register for an account before we give you access to read and post.

Only a small number of our forum areas can be read without registering for an account.

Please consider supporting us to help keep our Website and Facebook groups online. Become a Patron!

She Laughed At Me


Guest Jasmin
 Share

Recommended Posts

How do I deal with this,

 

Last night my mum visited and thinking her to be an open minded person I invited her round for my first yule meal that I have been planning for me and my hubby. I had told her that I was starting to follow a pagan path a few months ago and she seemed OK with it. I had read that Sabbats were a time for hospitality and assured her that any prayer I might make or small ritual would be done before she arrived as I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable thinking that it would be just nice to have her around afterwards for the food and to be make her feel included . I specifically told her that nothing would be as she would put it ' strange or out of the ordinary '

 

All she did was snigger and laugh at me and poked fun at what I was planning to do the following morning i.e getting up early to drive to the moors and watch the sunrise, she then laughed and asked if I was going to start singing and burn offerings in the log burner that I was planning to drink hot drinks round in the garden later on that night.

 

I was so upset by her that I withdrew the invitation later that evening over the phone and said that I would cook for her another time over the christmas holidays, does anyone here think I was stupid to ask her round in the first place, and does anyone think I was mean to withdraw the invitation afterwards, any opinions would be really appreciated, I just feel like a fool at the moment, :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please consider supporting us to help keep our Website and Facebook groups online.

personally, no.

 

but thats how my mum reacted too when I told her all those years ago...it was just a phase...yawn, looong phase I am now 44.

 

I drew a massive line of privacy around it and have done ever since.

 

but that's just me...and my family, who are a tad on the extreme in their thinking anyway...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To be honest, inviting her round for a meal was a nice thing to do, leaving anything that might make her feel uncomfortable for when you were alone was also very considerate. If all she can do in response is take the mick about what you'll be doing when she's not there (and therefore things that are naff all to do with her) then I'd have withdrawn the invitation too if I was in your position.

Edited by Penardun
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do I deal with this, 

400123[/snapback]

 

I would call her back and apologise for being so childish then explain how important this is to you, at the end of the day however you may have to accept people will find your beliefs strange and even humorous. I have been a Pagan for more years then I care to remember but I still find other pagans hilarious, I also have non-pagan friends who openly mock mine, it is just part of life

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Of course it wasn't stupid to invite her in the first place...nor was it mean to withdraw the invitation.

 

You were testing the waters...nothing wrong with that at all. Some folks are mighty uncomfortable with what feels "different" to them and can make light of it because they don't know how else to react.

 

Don't take it too much to heart...it would have been far more awkward if you actually lived together and she behaved this way. You can simply do your own thing with your hubby and join in with her "celebrating" at her house.

 

It would be nice if everyone is accepting of everyone else's...but it doesn't need to have any impact on your life. She's obviously not yet comfortable with it...so just leave it be. Let her come to you if she wants to know any more...but if that doesn't happen, no harm done. :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you were wrong to talk to her. Her reaction was far from mature or supportive, but you are not responsible for her reaction. You are only responsible for what you did, and what you did was to discuss your spiritual leanings with your mother, this is not a peculiar thing to do. Let go of the guilt over the way she took it, it's not yours to hold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You weren't stupid for inviting her............ but perhaps you were a little optimistic in thinking she would react in the way you hoped she would. You have to remember that the idea of Paganism is absolutely alien to many people........... and most people only have the stereotype to go on. Perhaps your mum was nervous and felt uncomfortable with it all and making little jokes and laughing can be a natural response.

 

Reading between the lines it doesn't sound as though your Mum is particulary narrow minded or malicious. However new Paganism is to you, remember it is even newer and stranger to her......... so perhaps try to understand it from her perspective.

 

If you and your mum are sound with each other things will turn out okay in the end, just remember that Paganism is your venture and not hers and you cannot insist that she take it seriously if that is not how she feels.

 

I hope it all works out well for you.

 

Mike :angry:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree you werent stupid for iviting her! You wanted to share your beliefs with her and there is nothing stupid about that!

 

She can find it as funny as she likes but she should repsect you enough not to openly mock you! IF she doesnt agree fine, but there is no need to be as childish as she was.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks peeps, Food for thought, Will try not to take her reaction seriously and just get on with it. I really wasn't trying to make her feel like she had to take me seriously, but hey you live and learn, will chalk it up to experience , and move on. Silly me!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks peeps, Food for thought, Will try not to take her reaction seriously and just get on with it. I really wasn't trying to make her feel like she had to take me seriously, but hey you live and learn, will chalk it up to experience , and move on. Silly me!

400174[/snapback]

 

Dont feel silly :unsure: Like you say, its a lesson learnt :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How do I deal with this, 

400123[/snapback]

 

I would call her back and apologise for being so childish then explain how important this is to you, at the end of the day however you may have to accept people will find your beliefs strange and even humorous. I have been a Pagan for more years then I care to remember but I still find other pagans hilarious, I also have non-pagan friends who openly mock mine, it is just part of life

400131[/snapback]

 

 

You think Jasmin was being childish?????

 

I certainly dont.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think you was being childish at all, I would have withdrawn the invitation aswel. well i did, my mother was not welcome in my house for 5 years because of how she took my beleifs, its only in the last 3 months she has become a little more welcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You were definatley not being childish and i wouldnt call her and apologise for being so even if it is to make her happy or whatever reason. If anything she is the childish one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It was lovely of you to invite her and very much in the Yule tradition.

 

It was very considerate of you to offer to carry out any rituals etc outside of her sphere to spare her embarrasment or discomfort.

 

I suppose it depends on the tone of voice as to whether you Mum was making a joke ( as people often do when uncomfortable about something or not understanding something) and did so mearely to break the ice, or if it came accross as mean spirited.

 

It upset you and you obviously felt uncomfortable having her over for your very first Yule celebration, and perhaps it is best to get comfortable with your Pagan activities before including others who may not understand.

 

She is your mum, and as you offered to cook for her again I am guessing she is not a bad mum, and as mentioned here there will be many others who will think you are utter bonkers for being any kind of Pagan, so even if your mum does not "get it" having her on your side can be a really important thing. So perhaps finding a moment to let her know how you felt ( try not to phrase it in a way that points the finger and says "you made me feel" as that puts people on the defensive) just so you can see how to move forwards.

 

Mums - good mums - can be surprising, a freind of mine came out as gay when he was 16 and got no end of grief from many people he told- his Mum really did not get it but just did not want to discuss it or hear about it - she did not put him down but he felt she did not support him...until.. he overheard her at the butchers giving the local gossips what for, for discussing him in a negative way. That eveining she did not mention it at all so he understood that no matter how confused she was about it all, and even if she did not give hugs and invite lovers round to stay, she was his mum and would defend him always, just in her own way.

 

I mention this, as you may find your mum never wants to be actively involved, or never wants to get into deep philisophical discussions with you about paganism, but you know your mum best, and as mentioned here, you might just ringfence paganism from your relationship with her, and appreciate what you have with her for what it is.

 

Hope things go back to normal soon.

 

BB

 

TG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A couple of points here.

 

This reminds me of a sumbel I tried to put together for my family once and all they did was get pissed and make fun of what I was trying to do. Did that make them bad people or uncaring? At the time, I thought it did but over the years I've come to realise that they were uncomfortable and unsure. A lot of people attack or mock things that they're unsure or uncomfortable with. How do I know that that's how they felt? Because they've gone from that to calling me up in Germany and asking me how to do a blot to Tyr to try and supplement more mundane efforts to sort out troublesome neighbours. They also attended my wedding in Denmark, in full viking age gear, participated in the ceremony and there wasn't a dry eye in the house!

 

The other point is that maybe you're being a bit insecure because this is relatively new territory for you and your mother and are getting more touchy over her reaction. I've often found that humour is the best way to deal with those kind of comments. It has the double benefit of helping you to feel more at ease and the person you're dealing with who's also acting like that out of insecurity. If the person you're dealing with is just being a dick, making fun of yourself is a good way of taking the wind out of their sails so to speak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it was lovely to invite your mum to your Yule celebrations and have her be part of your new path and am sorry to hear that this hasn't gone as you had hoped.

To echo much of what the others have said, your mum may be uncertain,or uncomfortable with what paganism is/ about and how seriously you are following your path, and unfortunately ended up coming across as mocking/unsupportive. I would try and have a wee chat with her and explain what being a pagan mean to you and gently let her know that you have been upset by her comments. You're certainly not being foolish, childish or silly. I do think you were right to revoke the invitation for Yule as having her there at that time may possibly make you both uncomfortable, at least now you and your hubby can celebrate in the way you wish and you can relax without fear of ridicule.

Your mum may come round in time, or maybe this is just a part of your life that is separate, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Hope you are feeling a bit better about the situation, there is a lot of good advice from the peeps here

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yup lots of good advice here. You have been neither stupid or a fool, and I think I would have done exactly the same as you.

 

I had a bit of a to do with my parents, basically down to lack of knowledge and stereotyping. But things have improved - it is a slow process (few years so far), but we are coming to a better understanding. Here's a few incidents that have helped me:

 

One of the things we did when we knew they were visiting next was to put away all things pagan. First thing my mum noticed when she came into the living room was that some beautiful ornaments were missing, which led to a brief talk on what the 'ornaments' meant to us. Tip of the iceberg receiving a bit of warmth!

 

On a few occasions now when I have been having mother daughter days, we have met some of my pagan friends... yes they're normal! Another wee chat about weird things! (a trickle of melt water).

 

When I was heavily pregnant and mum was helping me get more organized, she noticed a book not on the bookcase (sharp eyes my mum), just happened to be a book of shadows. She was admiring the cover when I gently took it off her and explained what it was for.

 

What I think has been a great reassurance to my parents is that I do not expect my children to choose the same path as me or OH, but to find their own. That we will celebrate the cultural holidays: halloween; christmas etc. If they wish to go to church then I will take them if they are not of an age to go themselves. This I made clear to them when things first hit the fan.

 

We have yet to invite my parents to any of our rituals, but they are willing to watch the children to allow us to host/attend them. Whilst they don't really understand, they respect our choice.

 

I hope that this will soon sort itself out for you and your mum.

 

In the meantime :blink: for being so brave to issue the invite in the first place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...
Thanks again everyone, it really is helpful this place.  :)

400626[/snapback]

 

 

 

 

I am so sorry that you had such a terrible experience with introducng your mum into home for sucha happy ritual,I myself got a couple of funny looks from my dad but mum was fine - dad has come to accept that I am pagan and have my rituals ,just as he is christian and his .....From the look of things i have been extremely lucky x :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Your mother should be happy you love her enough to want to include her in your life, personally I'm honoured when someone wants to share parts of their lives with me-it can be humbling. You were not being mean at all, you were merely practicing self defence.

If it makes her uncomfortable, then the onus is on her to grow and open up her mind a little, her daughter wants to share something precious with her..I mean why miss out on that?

Life's too short :rolleyes:

Edited by A_Muse_Darkly
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Topics

  • Posts

    • Roundtuit
      Thank you.  Yes, I'm starting to think it's the journey that matters.   What a gorgeous image!  I'd love to get back to the fells, there's something new around very corner there.    
    • Stonehugger
      I've had varying degrees and natures of commitment to Christianity since I was at school but I've also always had pagan leanings and for quite a long time now my path has been entirely pagan. It's unproblematic in that my family and friends think it's harmless eccentricity, but I imagine it would be different if I took a strongly pagan stance on something. For me personally it's important to listen to what's going on around me and work out my path accordingly, so I celebrate the presence of many paths up the same mountain and have no concerns about reaching the top. I imagine that, like almost any walk in the fells, what currently looks like the top is just another place to see the next top from. Definitely!! ūüėĀ
    • Ellinas
      Well, I've been called many things in my time... I'm also a former Christian, with a chequered history (Anglican, in the guise of the Church in Wales, then Plymouth Brethren with the odd foray into the Baptists along the way).  I fell out with Christianity in the early 2000's, when I was late 30's, early 40's. Since then, the general nature of my meanderings has remained fairly constant, but the details and contents have changed over time.  That's fine.  The journey is the issue, not the destination.  Ithaca calls, but Phoenician markets and Egyptian cities have the greater import (poetic reference - just means follow your path and hope to arrive late, if at all).  What I believe tomorrow may be very different to what I believe today.  What I believed yesterday is just a stepping stone. In short, don't worry about what you have been, as it is merely the pathway that got you to what you are, and don't worry about where you are going, there are any number of bye-ways for you to explore. As to others - I have struggled with family pressures and the tyranny of monotheistic faith.  I understand your position and have no issue with a softly-softly approach such as you describe.  In fact, it is the best way unless you are prepared to create and weather a family rift. Dangerous statement.  Talk about tempting fate...!
    • Moonsmith
      Hi, Welcome.  While I rarely go to bed before three am, I am also in the habit of switching off my phone between uses.  This device is primarily outgoing.  Many of us have been Christians at some point in our histories.  Experiences vary considerably.  I was heavily involved but just lapsed.  No issues or problems. I know a lot of Pagans who have switched between different belief sets, pagan and non pagan over the years.  They have a tendency to carry over elements from each crossroads they come to.  My own beliefs have been evolving for decades.  I don’t suppose that they will change much more but if anyone gives serious thought to their beliefs there must always be the risk of a new realisation.  Don’t take any notice of what other people say, just be sure that whatever you believe is what you really believe.    There is no top to that mountain.  The road goes ever on. Take any path that leads in a direction that want to go.  Don’t worry about the destination.
    • Roundtuit
      Hi!  Welcome to my self-absorbed drivel. I don't quite know where to start about this, but after years of trying to be a Christian, I'm exploring being a Pagan.  Actually, I'd go as far as to say I am one, and was before in my late teens and early twenties.  I grew up in an Evangelical household and my parents are now Pentecostal deacons.  I started to question my faith from an early age, and later started to practice Wicca and study legends and folk customs.  I had some health problems that made me a lot more dependent on family.  I don't see any reason to ever let my parents or other family members know about my beliefs as that would be devastating for them, but they ask about church and my spiritual life every time I see them.  In my mid twenties I started to think that I had to compromise with my parents over my beliefs if they were ever to accept other life choices I made.  I have had relationships they wouldn't accept and didn't want to alienate myself from them even further.  I wanted to be pragmatic.  There was truth in virtually every belief system so I might as well re-adopt Christianity, find a progressive church and live as good a life as I could like that.  So I did that for years, as a secretly pantheistic Christian who went to a church that worshipped God using male, female and gender-neutral pronouns and lived what most people would describe as a secular life outside of church.  I'd left Christianity because so much harm was done in the name of a set of beliefs.  Then I came back because I didn't want to cause harm to my parents in the name of beliefs, religion or the lack of it.  How people are treated should always come first. Then aged 43, in January during the lockdown, I went 'pop'.  It was like I'd been getting more and more resentful and thirsting after Earth-based spirituality.  It was a need and I'm not sure it can be denied because I need to feel alive.  I've been studying various pagan traditions ever since and have taken a break from church (my vicar knows all of this and is great about it).  Not attending church is unacceptable in my family.  I feel so behind though.  Most people I meet or come across on social media has years of experience and say they've been practicing since they were teenagers.  I once heard someone say that yes, there are many paths up the same mountain but if you keep changing paths you never reach the top.  Do you agree, or not? Is anyone else here a new older pagan?  Is it at all common?  
×
×
  • Create New...