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Advice Needed

Guest ravnos161

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I've been a member of this site for a while now and have been reading and learning so i can choose my path. i've got to know a few of you through quiz night too and as you've all helped me in the past i thought i'd come back to you for more advice since life has thrown another issue at me.


long story short, my nan passed away recently through illness. although it was expected i'm obviously grieving for her. for reasons unknown my dad banned me from the funeral and has since decided to write me off. i've always been a daddy's girl so his decision has left me completely shattered and i go between wanting to cry and then kill something or someone.


therefore i'm asking if you have any advice for me on how to cope with this, and also if there's a ritual or something i can do so i can say goodbye to my nan properly and how to restore my equilibrium. im not usually an emotional person so these feelings are new to me! i've lit a candle in her memory and i do think of her but i'd like to do something more to say goodbye


thanks in advance for the help and advice x

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That is awful for you.


I'm not a great one for ritual, though I could see that in this case something quite formally structured could be of benefit to you. I'll leave that for those who may be more familiar with such things to suggest if they can. What I would suggest is working on your continued relationship with you Nan, at least in memory. Maybe find a place that you know was important to her or that you can associate with her, and go and talk to her or her memory (whichever you are most comfortable with)... tell her how you feel, what's happened, your confusion, wishes, let her know that you miss her etc... give it time and don't expect miraculous responses.


And know that many people will read of your circumstances and be moved to recognise something of your hurt.

Edited by Animystic
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That is terrible and an awful and insensitive way for your father to have treated you.


If I were in your shoes right now I would feel upset and betrayed by his actions. The only things I can think of to suggest, are that one; perhaps when feelings are a little less raw you could write an old fashioned letter to you dad telling him how hurt you were at being banned from the funeral, and asking him in an open way to basically explain why he acted that way. I also hope that you have other people around who know your father who might be able to shed some light on the subject if he refuses to explain his actions. Has your father had an extremely bad reaction to the loss of his mother that could have contributed to his irrrational behaviour towards you?


As far as remembering your Nan is concerned I am also not so good with ritual, but I think there are plenty of things you can do to let her know you will always remember her. I read that you were banned from the funeral, but perhaps you could visit the Burial/Internment of ashes site and make your own prayers/offerings to her and explain why you weren't there on the day to her and tell her that you will continue to speak to her and honour her memory in your own way and that you hope that she is in a good place now.


I'm really sorry to hear how badly you have been treated and hope that you can get your equilibrium back in time. That is just what it says though, Time! Don't rush your feelings greive naturally and most of all don't put any pressure on yourself to be feeling back to normal in a less time that in takes you.


I hope your father eventually apologises to you and will keep you in my thoughts,


Good luck with everything


Blessings, Jasmin

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I think that you will find two elements in your emotions at this time. I found that grief is almost biological. It seemed to me to be a mechanism that held the mind away from the event. That will pass quicker than you can believe right now. It is important that it does. I don't know much about ritual but I might place a single item that associates with your Nan somewhere where I can see it. Then let it trigger happy memories. It is important that it acts as a stimulus reminding you of images and memories and doesn't itself become the object of your grief. That way it won't become a shrine. Once grief has passed put it away as you say goodbye. It will still be in that drawer if you want to look at it again.


The second element is more conscious - for me it was a mixture of loss, regret, memory and changed life patterns. This seems to take longer to adjust but if you let it time will heal it. Oh I know it doesn't feel like that now and you may not even want it to be healed right now but it will.


I'm sorry about your father's reaction. Obviously I don't know all the circumstances but am I right in presuming he has just lost his mother? Part of your ritual of memory might be to approach him WHEN YOU FEEL READY TO DO SO! You both need to keep happy memories of your Nan. Bad feeling between you won't help.

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Rav sweetie *HUGS* (i'm ignoring the "no touchy rule :P " )


I'm furious with your dad, mad as hell.... but we'll deal with that one at a later date...



for nan, You told me you wanted closure, the sort of closure that you were missing out on from not being able to attend the funeral.

You could try something that I've done in the past, and one of my friends does every halloween ...


Write a letter to your nan. Tell her everything you feel you need to. Pour out every emotion into this letter ... everything you're holding back (cos we're not girly girls and we don't cry :blink: ) You might find that it starts off quite neat and reserved then ends up pages and pages long with scribble and tear stains *smiles* that's fine x

When you feel you're done, put it in an envelope and seal it.


Then you take a fire proof dish (one with high sides if possible) and a box of matches, you go outside, set the letter alight and put it in the dish and watch it transform... the wind then takes your message and delivers it to nan.


If you want to look at it from a ritual point of view .. your tears represent water, the papar is earth, fire is fire and wind is air .... the time, effort and heart that you put into this, is the spirit.


If you want this adapted, or altered in anyway, or need help with some words maybe? then give me a shout.




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Is this something that might help?


Beyond the blue, beyond our view,

where silence reigns supreme,

where galaxies unfold their arms

and human psyches dream,

an ocean deep and fathomless,

a temple cold and hollow,

the spangled gaze, a distant haze

yet beckons us to follow.

All of time awaits us there,

eternity complete.

While now denied you at my side

I promise, we will meet.


Luvnblessings x

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Thanks so much for the support x

I like to think that i can repair the relationship with my dad in time - hopefully he's just using me as a sounding board for his grief as he was very close to his mum. It doesn't make it right but this reaction is so unlike him so maybe he doesn't realise how much he's hurting me as grief is a very powerful emotion.

TD I didn't laugh at all - your suggestion sounds really comforting and i intend to try it when i can


Thanks again guys <3

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