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Caroline Voclain

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Guest Petalporridge

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So I find myself here as different things in my life seem to be shooting off in different directions all of a sudden...and yet upon reflection maybe they are all pointing the same way, and that way is homeward or onward or upward or something! But I was looking for a pagan forum to see if it would connect the dots :) and inspired by the 'what I believe' thread I thought it would help me to attempt to summarise the thoughts and experiences in one place. Especially as they aren't always (or ever!) things easily discussed irl, and some not well expressed via the written word either but such is life.


Anyway my upbringing was in a socialist/feminist/liberal Christian household...it was a good mix really! Always discouraged from occult/tarot/anything outside socialist feminist Christian outlook really though in a liberal sort of way! But as a child I always felt outside everything. As I got older I read books and spent time at uni and decided I am clearly just destined to live one long existential crisis, where nothing has purpose and because nothing has purpose all connections to other people and things seem pretty lifeless and pointless too. But this was not a good explanation as a. Most people don't seem to live like that and b. Humans cannot be intended to live like that. We would have died out from mass suicide long ago.


So I became very interested in socialism. All very logical, with a good rational behind my feelings of isolation and alienation. The problem with being a die hard socialist is that a. The likelihood of change in this lifetime leads one to feelings of suicide as above! b. Socialists tend to be pretty dull, maybe they are suicidal? And c. It doesn't account for why, when you climb a hill and look around, your breath can be literally taken away. It doesn't account for why one can learn more from deep inner meditation than reading das kapital. Although I am still a die-hard socialist, it is not enough by a long shot.


And I had children, and a whole new range of emotions and need to be part of nature and the world and to give love back to that which created it all opened up. I learnt about anthroposophy, the works of rudolph Steiner. V interesting. Discovering homeopathy meant I had to learn about why it works, and the rationale seemed perfectly sound. So i thought if I can believe that, what else is there for me to believe? But looking for things to believe leaves one vulnerable so it has been slow, lol. Steiner is also awfully big on nature tables, gnomes, seasons, crystals, and all sorts of wonderful stuff like that. It is also the ramblings of one slightly odd bloke, which didn't sit so comfortably.


So I came to feel there is Definitely 'energy'. The life force of the universe and all life or whatever you like. This seems very logical to me. I randomly bought a book on chakras...logic in craziness! I did reiki 1 and allowed myself to realise I (like all people) have a spiritual aspect besides a physical and emotional reality. How refreshing!


Always at the basis of this for me is nature. and the idea of living in the moment, enjoying making things and sharing love (tho around this time I ended an unloving relationship and have felt very isolated again)


Also over the last few years I learnt that from my mothers side we have gypsy blood, and my great grandmother read cards/tea leaves etc. Also my mother admitted to having foresight, and using tarot for herself! Quite at odds with out upbringing! I think she wanted us to learn things for ourselves. Last week a woman I know from the reiki course suggested I take a tarot course as her business is in need of 'good readers'...she has no real reason to think I would be a good reader! But I feel very exited and like I might be finding my way, at last!


But theres no logic to all these things. Or is there? Maybe learning about paganism might help me resolve all these things? The love of nature, sense of gaia or something, awareness of energy which flows through everything, new faith in my own intuition...What do you think?

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Ah "there's no logic to all these things." That's a battle I have on a daily basis, and I came up with "screw logic, the evidence is what I see or feel".

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